Halloween Weird Western Image o' the Day: Ghost Train

Trains are to the Wild West what ships are to Pirate stories.
By which I mean that they are cool and a major part of it, but you almost never see any action on them.

"Woooo Wooooo" went the ghost train...

Trains are great Western MacGuffins.  You can rob them, you can protect them from robbery, you can use the building of railroads as the plot thread of your ongoing television series...heck, PEG made a whole miniatures game based on the concept called The Great Rail Wars.
What better kind of train for the season than a Ghost Train?

Brings a Tear to the Eye

You want to talk about some sad shit options, take a gander below, pards.

I'm afraid to even comment.

Okay, now that's just insulting.  The Western genre has its fair share of natives, usually as bad guys but there have been a few films and such to try to give equal time to the plight of the natives.  And then there is this costume.  What tribe is this, exactly?  I think it is the Birkenstock tribe, but I can't be sure.  Do you have any idea how cheap a pair of moccasins are these days?  They couldn't come up off of ten bucks to get this guy some convincing footwear?
Funny bit of history here, but once the White Devils started trading with the various tribes, the tribes took to wearing White Devil clothes a lot.  However we have stated that you need a visual shorthand to sell the costume idea, so I'll let that go.
That costume, however, I will not.  Could I find something worse?

"Hola, amigos!  I'm dressed as a racially insensitive prick."

Si, I can.  What we got here is yer basic Frito Bandito.  You have the weirdass serape, the sombrero, and the full Fu Manchu mustache that people who have never met a Mexican think makes up your basic Mexican.  Extra points for how white the guy is that is wearing them.  I am officially calling this worse than our native buddy up top.  Although, to be fair, we do an awful lot of stupid cowboy costumes too.  Why didn't I call those racist?
What's up with the one pant leg tucked into the combat boots and the other not?  This is a pretty shitty costume anyway, never mind the cultural implications.
We can do better, right?

HELL+YEAH

Hell yes we can.  Oh but that is a great outfit.  Sure, it's for Dia de los Muertos, but then that's syncretism with Halloween.  There is nothing bad I can say about this guy.  The mask is superb, at once invoking the symbology of the dead and the celebration of life that Dia de los Muertos represents.  The mustache and the smile really sell it.  The mariachi outfit is festive but slick, the simple black and white with splashes of red make this a wonderful choice.
I feel honor bound to show some embarrassing white people choices now...

Yeeha, I'm an asshole!  This is one of those far too expensive for what it is costumes.  It's a one-note joke. You wear this to the party and at first you get a chuckle, sure, but as the night wears on you are that annoying asshole whose costume is taking up three chairs and making noise because it requires an integrated fan to stay inflated.  So now you are uncomfortable and people are having to push your inflatable bull-ass out of the way to get to the beer cooler and this doesn't seem to be as good an idea as it did at first.  So naturally you shed the costume.  People who didn't see you in the mighty Toro del Jerkoff costume want to know why you are wearing a pair of Bermuda shorts and a dinky cowboy hat.  Oh, and flip flops, because you had to borrow footwear.  Best to avoid, but at least you won't be this guy...

"Hardy, pardners, I'm Marshal Douchebag, town Marshal of Dipshit Springs, population one."

The description of the "costume" calls it a "Classic Cow Hand", but if that is so then why is he wearing a tin star?  The mustache, oversized gun and shirt don't even come with the costume, which means this man made an INFORMED DECISION to make it as douchey as possible.  I reckon he thinks he's some kind of sheriff, which is problematic for me because any county that would vote this idiot into office is no place I'd expect to last too long on the frontier.  Combine this with Poncho up there for a couples theme that will be sure to win no votes at the costume contest.  I imagine that about halfway through the night ol' Marshal Dipshit is going to shed those chaps and hat, and once again we are left with a half-assed costume on some dude that thought he was being clever.

You have no idea how many words I had to add to the blogger spellcheck dictionary for this article.  Damn, blogger, read a book.

Keep them pumpkins lit, pards.

BG Williamsburg Howl O Scream (Part 3)-Booze and Haunted Houses

It is not that it was hot, but that the sun beat down so strongly that we took refuge in Grogan's where Kitty had a sangria in a collectible tumbler that lights up like a rave.  I had a cider because I like cider.

She's purposely vamping it up in this picture.  Blood lite, bwa ha ha.

After getting drinks in, we stood in line for an hour waiting for Unearthed to open.  Here is a shot of the vapid twenty-somethings we were standing behind.  This group was smart enough to smuggle a fifth of Bacardi into the park in a souvenir drink container, however.  I did find myself impressed that one guy made it all the way through the haunted house, jump scares and dark stumblings and all without spilling a drop of his beverage.  That's class and gives me hope for the young generation.
Afterwards we exited into the still-not-dark 6 PM Howl O Scream and began to work our way through the now "frightening" TERROR-Tories.  I quoted that because they are not frightening.  Again.
This kid-friendly bullshit really gets on my nerves.

See the giant fake pumpkin?  The fellow standing in the foreground is a park employee.  He will take your picture with his spiffy park camera and then later you can purchase said picture from a shop in Ripper Row.  Does BG not realize that people have phones with cameras in them now and don't give a whit about quality of the shot?  We've come to see the world at that odd 45 degree selfie-angle, we frankly find a well framed shot to be less than aesthetically pleasing.
I get it.  The park needs the dosh.  BG has raised the price on parking, raised the price on refreshments and added smoked turkey legs and churros, two things you would not expect to find together, in every snack bar.  They worked up a card game to sell for the Unearthed event and advertise it with giant tarotesque cards in the Unearthed haunted house and across the park.  They are really trying to get every last cent they can.  All so that they can bring you...

A scary clown!  That's my finger, by the way.  I mock you, scary clown.  Ever since the Hunt Club Farms corn maze incident, I have mocked you, scary clowns.
A few years back they did a whole scary carnival evil clown thing in Italy for Howl O Scream.  They weren't scary then either.  Nothing is scary about a scary clown.  What is scary is a normal clown in a place where he has no business being.  Like working at Victoria's Secret.  Or running for public office...yeah, I know, that was too easy.
Still not dark, but 6 PM had hit so...

Grrr, pirate!  This was one of the pirates in Ports of Skull (why is ports plural?) that wandered about saying pirate things and scaring passersby.  This reminds me of a bad pirate Halloween costume, to be honest.  They said things like, "Yar" and "We be wanting brains" or something.  I wasn't listening.
Which is bad since you are all counting on me to have been listening to bring you this report.
As the twilight slowly came upon the park we headed to Cut Throat Cove, a pirate theme haunted house.  Kitty then asks the obvious question: "How are pirates supposed to be scary?  We like pirates."
I asked the next obvious question: "Then why are we going to queue up for the haunted house?"
To which she sagely replied: "Because I want to see it."
We like pirates.

She snapped this picture as we approached the entrance to Cut Throat Cove.  Now let me set the scene for you.  Some haunted houses have a theme, some have a story, and some are just a random mash-up of spooky shit.  A house with a story should have a theme as well, but it might be a story to tie together a random mash-up of spooky shit.  Here is what the official map has to say about Cut Throat Cove: Join the ship wrecked crew of a pirate ship and see if you can survive without having to walk the plank.
Egad.
So here is how it was executed, this story.  The crew shipwrecked waaaaayyyy inland, built a town out of the bits of ship, decorated it with eviscerated bodies, guts everywhere, some headless, limbless torsos and then they hang out in the pirate shanty town saying "Arrgghhh" and threatening to make you walk the plank to...the empty Roman Rapids channel?
It was the sort of place I'd quite like to hang out, actually.
Of the two haunted houses we did, this and Unearthed, much of the decor was accomplished with hanging strands of jute and what I think was supposed to be the pirates intimate apparel hanging on clotheslines to dry.

Now fully dark we went to Demon Street and there be the dragon!

Pretty spiffy looking in the dark with the red lights and smoke machines.

Red lighting and faux flames gives Demon Street the look of Hell.

Jack may be gone, but in his place we have this Devil DJ, standing atop a flaming skull and spinning tunes.  A disco remix of "Dragula" was playing as we arrived and a pair of lesser demons, imps most likely, were dancing in front of it.
I did not know devils spoke Ebonics.  Learn something new every day.
Unlike the Lady Gaga laden music of Jack in Ireland in years past, this is a more leather jacket, devil music crowd.  I suppose I can appreciate that.

St. Micheal.  Just threw that in for flavor.

This is one of the scarecrows that flanked the giant fake pumpkin above.  At night, bathed in blue light, mouth aglow, and the sounds of pre-recorded crows playing constantly.  I dug the vibe.

And here we have a wendigo.  In the Wendigo Woods this animatronic "awakens" in its cage, roars, rears, and shakes violently for about a minute.  It's a nice piece.  I like the antlers for verisimilitude.

And here is our friendly giant pumpkin at night, now fully Jack-o-ed.  A noble guardian against the horrors that might seek to escape from the park.

Bonus shot: Turkish Delight, which is oddly a teapot and cups.  This is your basic vomit-inducing spinning ride found in Italy.  We decided to give it a whirl (puns are free at the Pumpkin, folks) after leaving Cut Throat Cove.  I love a spinning ride, but the sun beating down on my head and my horrible allergies usually combine to make me miserable after riding.  The cool night air, however, made me immune to such and it was most enjoyable.
We also rod Curse of Darkastle because you have to ride that.  To not do so would be like going to Disney World and not riding POTC or HM.

That's this year's Howl O Scream, folks.  Not as good as previous years, I'm afraid.  I've seen many changes to the park since InBev bought AB creating AB-InBev, and I am not saying that the one is the cause for the other.  I am saying that my first trip to Howl O Scream was during the Scare Is Everywhere days and it truly was.  Plus the choices of decorating the zones seemed a more logical fit.  Things have to change, I get that, but all-in-all I found Ripper Row and Wendigo Woods to be a disappointment.  Demon Street was a Hell of a party atmosphere (again, puns are free) but not so Halloween to me personally.  Ports of Skull was more like the sort of place I'd just hang out, but it could stand to be a bit more beachy.

Still not scary, and I really wish they'd do something with the train.  I maintain that they are missing out on a great opportunity with the train.  All that back lot real estate, moving through the woods and such, makes a great opportunity to put things.  Even static monster, the likes of which they plaster all over the rest of the park, would be an improvement over nothing.  Heck, through a spooky soundtrack over the speakers that the conductor uses to tell you your next stop.  Anything.  A ghost train.  Something.  Instead it is just a wasted opportunity year after year when they could be upselling the park, which is clearly what they want given all the other junk they pimp in the shops.

That's my review, done in 3 parts.  Happy Halloween and keep your pumpkins lit.

BG Williamsburg Howl O Scream (part 2) - Event Food!

Have I mentioned I love event food?
Hot dogs, funnel cakes, candied apples, sausages sold off a cart, and yes, deep fried things that should not be battered and deep fried, all make me giddy.
Not long after leaving Ports of Skull we entered Germany, or Vampire Point as they call it.  We went to the Festhaus, where the sausages live, to see if the show was any good.  It was not, so we left.

The bridge is decorated in lace and such.  Because that is how vampires do it, I'm afraid.

Not only does BG hang things on light poles and across the sky, but they also decorate the grassy knolls.  Here are some gravestones and a casket in Germany.  These were scattered all about the park in various woodsy locations.

A tribute headstone to the late horror master Wes Craven.  It might be hard to read but it says, "here lies Wes Craven father of freddy and ghostface".  Wes was responsible for so many things, but I suppose Freddy Kruger and the Scream series are the best known.  I liked Horace Pinker, the electrically powered ghostly killer of Shocker, but then I'm weird like that.  Plus it had a great metal soundtrack.  Megadeth famously covered Alice Cooper's "No More Mr. Nice Guy" for that soundtrack.

Leaving Germany and the Vampires behind we made our way to New France, currently Wendigo Woods, for a smokehouse lunch.

"Nom nom nom, snarl, keep your hands on your side of the table, buster."

All kitties are carnivorous.  I'm sure you remember enough of your biology classes to know what an obligate carnivore is.  Mine is an omnivore, of course.  I have proof because while selecting her plate full of lovely smoked meats she grabbed an order of fried pickles as well.  Me being more of a sensitive, liberal, modern male, I had a green salad.

Naaahhh...I'm just shitting you.  I had a plate full of brisket.  I love to eat the flesh of animals.  In this case the herbivore Bos taurus.  The Trappers Smokehouse really does a wonderful job with their smoked meats and honestly for the price it's decent.  They make up for it by charging $4 for a sodding Coca-Cola and don't ask how much a slice of cake will run you.

We had a visitor while we ate.  You are looking at Vespula maculifrons, or as it is commonly called the eastern yellowjacket.  Or as it is more commonly called ohshitawaspdon'tmoveohshit.

Being something of a pair of nature lovers, AND being too smart to try to shoo away an animal that has a reputation for taking zero shit from hairless monkeys, we observed the wasp for several minutes.  Finally moving the partially devoured rib off the tray we waited to see the bugger had spent the time carefully excising a rectangular piece of flesh which it then flew off with, clumsily I might add.  Lunch over, time to move on.

At the train track entrance to Demon Street (France) a dragon was being held in chains by two devils, one of which you can see on the left.  The traditional giant Grim Reaper figure had been altered slightly by adding a risible demon face to it.  That left me a bit sad.

Cornered is the corn maze haunted house situated a bit behind Curse of Darkastle, because nothing says "Germany" like a maize maze.  I despair at some of their placement choices.  We didn't do the corn maze, opting instead for the new Unearthed and the Cut-Throat Cove.

Here's fun, spot the asshat.  Here's a hint: the one not wearing a hat.
This shot is in Ireland, which was given the very clever name of "Ireland" for Howl O Scream.  They didn't know what to do with Ireland, it seems, since the jack o lanterns and such were put somewhere else, so they just stuck these monsters that had previously been in Germany (when it was a Frankenstein place, somewhat appropriately) all over the place.  Since we were in Ireland, where there is Grogan's Pub, and we were waiting for it to get closer to the 6 PM opening of the haunts, and since Unearthed, Scarlett's Revenge (Revenge for what?  Letting her out of a hole in the ground?) was located there, and since we'd had a meal of meats, we figured we'd take a wee break.

Which naturally led to drinking...

In part 3.

Halloween Weird Western Image o' the Day: Ghost Town Showdown

Ghost towns are, of course, abandoned towns found out West.  A proper ghost town seems like it was just lived in and suddenly everybody just left, which is more or less how abandonment works.

Several western films have been named Ghost Town, often with a literal interpretation of a town that is inhabited by ghosts.  Today's image has a gunfighter blasting a ghost gunfighter, probably with magical bullets.
Looks pretty cool to me, pards.  Just another image I grabbed from a Deadlands manual.

BG Williamsburg Howl O Scream 2015 (part 1)

We decided to do Howl O Scream this year after giving it a miss last year for various reasons, not the least of which is that it was getting boring.
This year the new theme, which I mentioned back in the Summer, is UNEARTHED.  The story being that they were digging and found this old underground demonic witch's house.  The horned witch lady is named Scarlett.  She's really pissed about something.  Probably having her house dug up.
The new haunted house, Unearthed-Scarlett's Revenge, would appear to be in the Europe in the Air show building, formerly Corkscrew Hill, which is in Ireland.  Otherwise not much goes on in Ireland aside from slutty nurses and drinking at the pub.  We hit the park around 1 PM and took in the pre-Howl sights and at 6 PM the scares officially began (well not really scares, but people walked around being obnoxious, if that counts) although it would not get dark for a bit after that.
Kitty said the vibe was weird, somewhat off, and I agreed.
It needed something.
This is not to say I didn't enjoy it, but it did feel like it was missing something.

Patrons enter the park via England, which is the TERROR-Tory known as Ripper Row.

The decorations that make England into Ripper Row

After dark there are some undead prostitutes and a Jack the Ripper (I guess) and an animatronic of a headless woman with a parasol.  England is a theater, shopping and dining and very small.  We did not attend Monster Stomp on Ripper Row, the latest iteration of the Monster Stomp show.

This "shop" is a mere facade.

We quickly found ourselves in Port of Skull, which Italy, and the whole thing was made up in a pirate theme.  Are pirates scary?  I suppose pirates with assault rifles taking over your modern ship are scary, but the Jack Sparrow type are not.

This, on the other hand, is scary.

The look didn't really flow, but it was better than I expected.  Italy section is very urban, so the ship bits sort of sticks out.

Beware, ye entering Ports of Skull, it tells us.  I suppose I should be happy it doesn't say "Ye be entering" but if you are going to go all Talk Like An Asshole Pirate Day, make the full effort, yeah?

"Boogity Boogity Boo, I'm a dead pirate!"

It's fairly standard decoration style at BG to stick things on poles.  In this case we have skeleton pirates, in the past we had roses with eyeballs in them, ghosts, and similar Halloween offerings.

Nothing says "Halloween" like a pirate statue.

Pirate statue that stands next to the Crow's Nest Grille, where the extra "L" and "E" signifies such piratical fare as turkey legs, Dipping Dots, and churros.

My lack of mobile phone camera skills betrays me.

Lots of churros.

This is the spot where that screaming chick was when it was Darkside of the Gardens.

The Italian section is divided up into two areas, the section known as Festa Italia has all the midway games and the Roman Rapids water ride, which is drained after the Summer season as it's too cold for a water ride.  The Rapids were turned into a haunted house, but I'll get to that later.

Bridge Troll,now converted to a Pirate Bridge Troll by the judicious application of an eye patch.  

Let us now leave the Ports of Skull behind for a bit, we've more to see and I was getting hungry.

Next up a brief stop at Vampire Point (Germany) and then on to Demon Street (France) and Event Food!

A Little Something Fer the Ladies

Cowgirls, saloon gals, and soiled doves, the ladies have their Western Options too.  Now it should be obvious to anyone that women were present on the frontier.  We have our traditional fictional concepts like schoolmarm, pioneer wife, and such, and we know that women sometimes took roles traditionally restricted to men in the Old West, which should come as no surprise because on a frontier you tend to relax the stricter social rules of a dense urban setting in favor of what is best for survival and success.  Also, there are always opportunities in a frontier setting for someone of enterprise and skill that is willing to buck society.
History has given us:

Annie Oakley, nicknamed Little Sure Shot, Annie was a professional sharpshooter who made her fame with Buffalo Bill's Wild West Show.  Her amazing feats with firearms and Bill's skills in promotion made a legendary figure whose name is remembered today.

Belle Starr, horse thief, outlaw, and all around bad girl of the prairie.  I like that she's packing a damn horse pistol but still riding side saddle.  That's danger and class in one image.

Calamity Jane, born Martha Jane Canary, famous for cross-dressing, being tough-as-nails, scouting and fighting with the Army, and apparently for being a kind and charitable person.  She too would gain a measure of fame with Buffalo Bill Cody's Wild West Show, which probably did more to create the legend of the American West than any other single source.

And it's not just history, we have comics too:

For all you Girl Power aficionados we have Firehair, a 1940s publication by Fiction House.  Firehair is sort of the Wonder Woman of the Dakotas.  She's a redhead that is rescued by a Dakota Indian, learns to do all sorts of frontier things like ride bareback, fight like a Fury on a mission, shoot a bow, throw a tomahawk, rope, etc. and then has adventures kicking the shit out of rustlers, bad Indians, and all manner of evil men.  I assume you can see the picture.  There is some serious ass-kicking going on here.  There were actually a number of "good girl" comics in the 30s and 40s, like Phantom Lady, that cast women as fully capable heroes of justice.

And then there is the purely titillating bad girls of Women Outlaws.  True stories of Gun Gals!  Just look at it.  They are smoking, flashing some skin, shooting dudes...also redheads (is there a message here?)...but it certainly makes a change from the damsel in distress on the plains, don't it?

So with such a rich history of women in the West in both real life and fiction, I bet you can find some pretty good costumes, right?

Well this is what you get, ladies.  Don't shoot me, I'm just the messenger.
Now the can can floozy, sure, I know that dance hall entertainment was popular, and I am not here to deny you any affirmation you might draw from it, but sadly it seems that some variation of Saloon Gal/Soiled Dove is the most popular search result I can find.  That's paying some tribute to the sisters that struggled on the frontier, ain't it?
As for Jesse from Toy Story...well I felt obliged to provide an example of how a beloved children's character can be so ill-used.

Now I'm nothing if not divisive thorough so I thought, "hey, maybe there is an Annie Oakley costume out there" and damned if I was not rewarded for my efforts.  If by reward we mean quite disappointed with the results.

For your comparative analysis

So here you have it ladies and gentlemen, an O-Fish-Eye-Owl Annie Oakley costume.  I put it side by side with the real Annie to give you an idea of what a sham it is.  Firstly the dress is too short.  Annie, as evidenced by her many medals, was a woman that wanted to respected for her accomplishments and skill, not for a shot of thigh.  Secondly we have those heinous stripper boots.  Note Annie's low cut footwear and spats.  She's tromping the muddy grounds of fairgrounds set up for her exhibitions, she don't have the time to try to pull a spiked heel out of the cowshit.  Thirdly the fringe and faux cowhide.  What the dang-blasted tarnation is that all about?  Finally, let's talk firearms safety, especially in this current climate of gun control hysteria (yeah, I said it, you want to fight about it?).  Our real deal heroine of the West is holding her weapon with two hands, resting in the crook of her arm, fully in control and pointing away from the camera.  Gun safety.  The fake Annie is just casually resting it on her hip, looks like she got her finger on the trigger and is so concerned with having her picture taken that she is clearly unaware of the position of the weapon.  That's a disgrace to the memory of Annie and I won't have it.

Well, those're your options, ladies, if you choose to follow this route.  Good luck, and God help you.

Yeehaw and git them pumpkins lit!