Wizards Getting Equal Time Parte ye Seconde

In my last installment I began my discussion of wizard costumes available commercially, such as they are, and talked generally about wizards and how they relate to Halloween.
We are picking up the thread here with another set of WIZARD OPTIONS (that was an echo effect, by the way).

It's all about options or the agony of having them as the case may be

You don't have to buy a commercial costume; not when you can purchase a MASK!  One aspect of the classic wizard costume that you might or might not like is the beard.  Is a beard de rigueur for your wizard costume?  Not, not at all, but in the world of costuming the more you don't look like Chad-from-next-door the more successful the costume.  If you have the robe and the hat and the staff and the pet raven and the belt pouch and the wand and the broom and all that and are not wearing spectacles you are a successful wizard.  Ta da.  However, the beard really "sells" it, don't you think?  Why not purchase a wizard mask?
I'll tell you why not.  Look at those sad bastards up there.  Seriously, you'd end up sweating and breathing your own candy scented breath and it would get all weird in there.  And where are the bloody eyeholes?  The virtue of these masks is that you get the beard, you get the very tall hat and a bonus crooked wizard nose (see witches for more information).  The doom of these mask, aside from the aforementioned breath-cum-latex funk, is that these wizards hardly look capable of a simple cantrip, much less fathoming the mysteries of the universe.
If you have a red bathrobe, big brown shoes and a sense of humor, item three, the Sorcerer's Apprentice hat with the Mickey ears is a great costume choice.  Almost instant recognition.  Doing it with some evil facepaint for a really nice effect is just gravy.

On the dark side, oooohhh yeah, on the dark side, whoa-oh-oh yeah (thank you John Cafferty  & the Beaver Brown Band)

What about Evil Wizards?  Check out these three dark fellows.  For the record these costumes are called sorcerer, sorcerer, and warlock.  They are spellcasters, but of an evil bent.  The first two really look like evil priests or monks, but in your classic fantasy works the evil wizards proudly announce their evilosity with their choice of attire. (Except for Saruman who wore white, because he was Saruman the White the leader of the Istari order, Gandalf the Grey's order, the wizards of Middle Earth, but he was corrupted by Sauron and then Gandalf died and returned to Middle Earth as Gandalf the White which is all way too geeky of me again, isn't it?)  You can accessorize for a really fun look.  How about a wicked dagger?  How do you feel about skulls?  There are options to dress these guys up to be really nasty.  That last guy is really badass with echoes of SKELETOR.  Any of these guys would benefit from an evil staff as well; something with a bird skull or some such.
Much like the classic Halloween witch costume you have options for being a wizard, but you must be recognized as a wizard for the costume to work.  Robes, hats, beards, staves, occult paraphernalia of all types are the keys to being recognized or you can go with an evil wizard.  Heck, you can go high concept, get some undead makeup and combine it with any of these costumes (preferably the evil ones) and be a LICH.  The choice is yours, wizard.

Of course there is always Merlin...

Have fun and keep your pumpkins lit.

Wizards Getting Equal Time

Last year I did a piece about WITCH iconography and costumes for Halloween which you can find HERE.  This time I want to give equal time to WIZAAARRDDSSSSS!!!

Rincewind, a wizzard

What do wizards have to do with Halloween?
Well, they are fantasy characters and there are plenty of wizard costume options for your Halloween pleasure and nothing says that you have to be scary on Halloween.  Also wizards can summon demons and other spooky things.  Thus I say that you can certainly be a wizard for Halloween.
How do we spot a wizard?

Handy chart; clip and save for your files!

The above illustration shows 3 solid examples of what we can expect when we see a wizard in the wild.  Figure A is reminiscent of Merlin as he appears in the John Boorman classic Excalibur, while figure B is a classic example of a dungeon delving "action wizard".  Figure C stands out as a powerful example of the wizard that feels no need to carry a staff or weapon of any kind.
Be warned, a wizard in the wild is unpredictable at best.  Do not assume that because you are not visible to the wizard the wizard is unaware of your presence.  Wizards are territorial by nature and can attack seemingly without provocation, especially if you look like you might have some powerful magical items or a bit of forgotten lore about your person.  In such cases it is best to throw down any written materials or bits of animal parts you may have and flee the scene with all speed.  Do not look back to see if the wizard is following you.

Seriously though, the term wizard is functionally synonymous with sorcerer, necromancer, warlock, mage and magus.  The only people that care enough to differentiate between these terms are going to nitpick anything you say anyway, so don't worry too much about it.
The current image of the wizard varies depending upon setting and expectations.  Readers of fantasy novels and players of fantasy games have a different expectation than the majority of the population.  The key elements to any wizard look are not too different than the key elements to a good Halloween witch costume in the public consciousness: 1) a hat, usually pointy, 2) robes, with or without astrological/occult symbols, 3) staff or wand, 4) beard, 5) a familiar.  If you have any three off the list you will easily be identified as a wizard.

Beard, robe, hat, large pouch...wait a damn minute...He's a Wizard?

Yeah.
You could probably make a wizard costume, if not with ease, certainly with style, but you could just as easily purchase a costume from any of the fine vendors in your local area or on the internet.  You must be careful, however, lest you get too stylistic or esoteric and end up spending all night having to explain your costume to people...again.
"No, see I am Harry Dresden.  From the Dresden Files?  A wizard.  No, why would I have a Hogwarts robe?"
Since the astounding success of the Harry Potter franchise the discerning costumer (and not so discerning to be honest) has had a plethora of licensed and knock-off HP costume choices.  I don't want to discuss those (although some nice wands have been made-dammitall, I just did).  I want to look at the "other" choices.

Here we see three options, similar in design, for being a wizard this Halloween.  As a wise man once said, (okay, it was me) the costume acts a visual shorthand; if you are not recognized as being what you are and must explain it to people your attempt has failed.  As such, we rely upon a few simple visual cues to tell us that we are looking at a wizard and not a hobo.  The robe (with or without stars), the hat, the staff, and the beard all say "Wizard" to the common individual.  Truth be told, I hate all three of the offerings above.  Expand the picture to see the details, such as they are.  The first one has too much beard and I don't like the robe.  The second one has a nice enough robe, but the pose just doesn't sell the item.  That third guy?  Sheesh, he looks like a candle.  He looks like an ear candle.
Can we do better?

The devil may wear Prada, but these tossers could sure take a lesson.

Another three to inspect.  The first two have some truly crappy choices in footwear.  I'm not completely downing the pointy toe shoe look (hey, I wear cowboy boots on a regular basis) but unless you are going to rub a lamp and try to outsmart Aladdin, leave the pointy shoes in the closet.  And they are silver.  That is so last year.  Again with the blue robes?  I get it.  I do.  Blue is a celestial color and wizards are certainly astrologically minded fellows.  Also blue is a more of an upper class color (purple being the color of royalty).  Indeed in the old Norse sagas we find that blue is the color most often associated with revenge killings.  Logically this is because when a saga hero is setting out to do his deeds he wants to look his best, and that often meant blue, as opposed to the browns used to work the fields.  Being a wizard takes money for towers and spell research materials and familiar food.  I actually like the two layer effect of inner robe and outer robe.  I hate that second guy's hat.
The third fellow is, of course, Gandalf.  Before Harry sodding Potter Gandalf was THE fantasy wizard everybody who was anybody knew.  Gandalf set the standard for fantasy wizards to follow.  That is not a great Gandalf costume, by the way.  1 layer?  Just an under-robe.  Belt pouch and hat are a nice touch, but what about a staff there buddy?  And where is Glamdring, his magic sword. (No, I don't feel geeky for knowing his sword is called Glamdring.  Geeky would be knowing that Glamdring is Sindarin for Foe-Hammer; Sindarin being the Elvish tongue.  Now I feel geeky.)
Gandalf is more wizardy, so I will give points to that.

This is getting long.  I think we will have to have a Part 2 to finish up.

Keep your pumpkins lit (with wizard's fire!).

Night of the Ungrateful Dead

This is part 2 of Zombie Hippie Massacre 1966.  To read part one (as though it would make more sense that way) go HERE


Gallowes Punkinstein could waste no more time on this hippie, he had to finish the battle and discover what was amiss at the old Franklin Place.

Die, granola boy!

Once he had dispatched his foe, Gallowes headed off across the grounds.  Another hippie rose from the ground to bar his path.  "Wait a rama-lama-ding-dang minute," Gallowes said, "I'm pretty sure that first guy wasn't even breathing before he got up to assault my person."  Synaptic seeds fired in his gourdish noggin.  "I may have a pumpkin for a head, but not a turnip...these are undead hippies!"
If there was one thing our hero despised more than dirty hippies it was zombies.

Take that you overused pop culture concept!  Oh for the days when a few zombies meant a scary good time and they weren't on every sodding thing from breakfast treats to underpants!

With wicked glee he realized he would get to take out his frustrations on two things he disliked at the same time.  "Och, what a bargain!" Gallowes said in an affected Scottish brogue.  His maternal grandpa, MacPunkin, would have been so proud.

Crackle and other electrical sound effects

Zap!  Gallowes held nothing back as he blasted another zombie hippie into bits.
What to do?  Although he could certainly pass a pleasant evening fighting the undead out-of-work menace he needed to make the haunted house safe for its more savory and productive inhabitants, like the ghosts and that goblin in the attic with whom he sometimes played at lawn darts.
He would go back inside and investigate.

Aahh!  More of 'em!

His path was blocked as he entered.

You dropped your jaw there, buddy.

Fight on!  The monster in front of him had its jaw nearly torn from its face, the flesh hanging ragged from its cheeks.  He supposed they would try to eat him if they caught him.  The irony of being eaten by an undead vegetarian was tempered by his realizing that his pumpkin head made him the ideal target for these dual-nature monsters.  What would Carl Jung say with such a subject, eh?
"The secret library!" Gallowes blurted out and took a moment to snap his fingers dramatically, knowing it would cost him precious seconds in combat, but style counts for something.

He had to bring this to a satisfactory conclusion for his Tesla magics could not last indefinitely.  In the secret library (being a library of secrets, not a library hidden from view, although it was that as well) he found what he sought: the Thanatobiblion!  Those foolish hippies he thought.  Then, hey, I do have internal monologue after all! If he remembered his legends of the old house, and he did, he recalled that the second owner of the house was buried with an ancient talisman that could stop all of this horror movie nonsense.  He must head for the family crypt, somewhere on the property.

Didn't expect an ice attack, did ya.  Oh the property damage!

But first to fight his way out...

Will our hero make it?  Tune in next time; same Punkin time; same Punkin channel.

Movie Time

Frau Punkinstein, the greatest wife of all time, surprised me this evening by renting a film on Cox Direct:
Solomon Kane

I've wanted to see this film since it was announced, but it was mostly released in Europe and so limited was its American release that it took until today that I could.

It is a great Halloween film.  It has demons.  It has witches.  It has James Purefoy doing an excellent job in this "origin" story of R.E. Howard's classic Puritan Adventurer.

Here is a picture of Solomon Kane in action from Savage Worlds just for comparison's sake.  James was all that and more.
I first discovered Howard's Kane in Marvel Comics and thereafter read the original short stories.  For years I was something of a Solomon Kane fanatic and consider myself well versed in the lore.  I was not disappointed.  What changes were made, and there always are changes, worked with the story and made for a truly enjoyable action film with story (I felt the same about Cage in Season of the Witch by the way).
The monsters, the action, the creepy setting all make this a good Halloween season film in a heroic vein.

I especially liked the true-to-Howard's-character lack of sex or a love interest.
Check it out, well worth the 4 bucks.

Zombie Hippie Massacre 1966

Once upon a time there was a cowboy with a pumpkin head named Gallowes.  Or there was a pumpkin with a cowboy body named Gallowes.  It amounts to the same thing.

Our Hero

One fine Halloween evening Gallowes Punkinstein was paying a respectful visit to the local haunted house.

Haunted but nice.

He noticed that something was wrong in the classically built and tastefully decorated old mansion.

"Hmmm," he said aloud to himself, "The wallpaper seems fine."

"Either these curtains go or I do," he said, then chuckled to himself for ripping off Oscar Wilde.

Is that a body?

"There must be something I am missing."  Gallowes puzzled for a bit.  "And why do I smell patchouli and unwashed feet," he asked himself.

Sniff...sniff...ugh

Suddenly he realized the problem.  Acoustic guitars, candles, bongs and the feeling of smugness mixed with delusion...Hippies!

"Shit," he all but shouted, "I hate hippies."
Gallowes decided he needed some fresh air and a new perspective on things, so he wandered outside.

I see a stoner, but where is the plain chick or the dog?

Parked on the grounds were a number of vans painted in garish designs.  Gallowes noticed a hippie, seemingly passed out beside one of them.  Odd that; usually where you found one hippie you found at least four more.  There was a strange scent of decay underneath the patchouli.  The sleeping hippie rose slowly from the ground.
Without warning the hippie attacked!

Hey, that's not very peaceful, you shiftless economic drain on society!

Gallowes fought back bravely with his lightning bolts, for pumpkin cowboys are all talented Tesla-Mages.

The hippie continued to fight, but something was not right about his sluggish movements and slurred speech.  Sure, it could have been a particularly powerful grass the commune-jockey had smoked earlier, but Gallowes sensed it was far more sinister.

Even as they struggled he heard more coming.  Would he be surrounded and defeated?

Tune in next time for Part 2: Night of the Ungrateful Dead

Keep your pumpkin head lit.

Countdown to Halloween

Hello everybody, the Countdown to Halloween has officially begun (although some participants started much earlier to get the mood going and that is always a good thing especially with the Xmas Invasion already in stores for the past 2 weeks at least, I mean yeeesh, can we not have holidays in their proper order at all anymore?   And then Target...Target...Off target if you ask me, once a bastion of Halloween Holiday goodness now has half of their Samhain real estate devoted to Xmas already, I had could work my will I tell you...) so head on over to http://www.countdowntohalloween.com/2012/10/this-years-participants.html
to see all the great participants and I will have something more seasonal up a little later today.

Get those pumpkins lit.

The Call Waiting of Cthulhu

Okay, so you have stories penned by a paranoid social misfit in the beginning of the 20th century that are weird fiction (or science fiction or horror fiction or science fantasy) and they usually involve some person being driven insane from gathering the merest glimpse of the whole of reality in its 16 dimensional spaces, a situation which makes them an unreliable narrator at best, and they aren't even very good and somehow this becomes the basis for an entire pop-culture of douchebaggery.  That about sums up my thesis here.

This happens in every single game of Arkham Horror.  Just assholes shooting guns at things that are supposed to be nigh invulnerable...and winning.

From Chaosium's Call of Cthulhu to Fantasy Flight Games Arkham Horror, Mansions of Madness, and Elder Sign there is something fundamentally wrong with fans of the genre.  By this I mean that I wish to ask fans of Lovecraft if they have ever actually read the man's work.
Case in point: A friend of mine was in a bookstore, which is surprising enough in this day and age, and overheard a young man commenting loudly to his female companion that the bookstore was in error because they put the Lovecraft works in Science Fiction rather than Horror where it belongs.

Oh really.  Is that what you think, sparky?  Well the fact is that Lovecraft wrote Science Fiction.  Or Weird Science Fantasy, if you prefer.  I have a list of reasons why this is but let me break them down to these:
1) The bulk of his work features entities from beyond the stars.
2) It is not in the least bit scary.
3) We weren't calling it Science Fiction when he was writing, but honestly, it is.
4) Okay, it's not all Sci-Fi, but the roots are mostly Sci-Fi.
5) Science Fiction and Horror have always been evil twins anyway.  Where you see the one, the other is usually nearby, probably waiting to kill you.  And wear your skin as a hat.

That wouldn't even bother me.  What bothers me is how much geeks like Cthulhu.  To the point that they act like the thing is their best friend.  He's become some sort of guard dog and badge of geek honor all rolled into one.  On the least offensive side this is a debasement of the source and on the worst side it is the sort of thing people do to show how "unique" they are with overtones of shock and offense.  Like when people pretend to be Satanists to annoy Christians who are not strong in their own beliefs.  It is douchy.  Stop it.

That's METAL that is.

So what we have, shown above, is a thing beyond human comprehension, summoned from the very depths of a man's neurotic nightmares (seriously, the man had issues, go read his bio some time) showing his trepidation and fear of, among other things, the infinite universe (interestingly he uses the sea as a metaphor for this in Call of Cthulhu) being reduced to...

I know these are on somebody's Christmas list somewhere.

Yes, fuzzy slippers.  H.P. would vomit to see this.  I guarantee it.  Like Poe, Lovecraft's writing reveals much of the author's own internal struggles with life and fear.  H.P. believed in the relationship between author and reader (he reportedly did not like adaptations of his work for radio as he felt it destroyed the dramatic tension and personal relationship that made the horror work-paraphrased from the introduction to the Chaosium Call of Cthulhu RPG, 3rd edition, I think).  What then would he think of this:

I think he'd think what you are thinking, "Hey, that guy is fisting Cthulhu".  He would not be happy about that.

Personally I put old Squid-Face in the same group as Freddy Kruger for his pop-culture appeal.  I don't understand a human mind that enjoys misusing the monster.  Hey, I get it, we love our monsters, but they still need to be monsters and if not monsters in the traditional sense, as least still monstrous, dig?  I love The Munsters and would certainly hang out with Herman and his family, so maybe I am off-base with this Cthulhu pop-culture hatred.
I think much of this is aimed at gaming anyway.  When you play a game where a being beyond space and time shows up and you shoot it to death with a tommy gun I think the whole thing has gone horribly wrong.  When we make the Frankenstein Monster into a friendly thing at least it was not designed from the beginning as an unfeeling cosmic horror (again with that word...it's not scary).  We were meant to feel a sense of pity for the monster from the start.

This is the thing that ushers in man's destruction on this planet?  Yeah, probably.

So that's my thing.  Cthulhu for president and plush Cthulhus and all of it.  It's just silly.  Playing an RPG, video game or any Mythos product where you can shoot dead a Cthonian or a Star Spawn is taking away from the very thing you profess to love.
Sad, really.