Special Feature: The ISBA Files Pt. 4

Are you getting worried yet?
Received any strange texts or calls that mysteriously hang up on you?
It could be because you persist in delving into the secrets of the ISBA, but friends the truth must come to light!
Read on!  Read on bravely!

Phadtom- This type of spirit may look like a Viking ghost, but that is merely it's current manifestation.  The Johnny-Come-Lately of the spirit world, the Faddish Phantom, or Phadtom, is a recurring phantasm that appears as whatever is currently the in thing in the public consciousness.  As the psychokinetic manifestation is drawn from the surface thoughts of the human consciousness it is often completely out of place, such as a Viking ghost found in Texas, a state of the Union that categorically never had a Norse visitor.  As Frank Farkle, ISBA field investigator notes, "If it was Minnesota, I might be convinced, but this is just a hipster douche ghost with no sense of style."  Field reports have noted the overwhelming scent of disaffected desparation preceding the arrival of the spirit.

Bulging Groper-First identified by ISBA field investigator Frank Farkle while on assignment with ISBA scribe Jonas Spaltezahn, ISBA associate Debbie “Double D” Danforth, and ISBA associate Becky “Booty Shorts” Lopez.  During a night hunt for the “Pelham Abbey Apparition” Danforth and Lopez both described feeling cold, bony hands about their persons.  Unfortunately the night vision gear failed to operate properly, perhaps due to spiritual interference, thus the ladies could not confirm the presence.  Farkle described seeing “a pair of staring eyes and bony hands” on or about the private parts of the ladies.  To date no other ISBA member has encountered this spirit.  When ISBA field investigator Gertrude Frump expressed her desire to meet with the spirit personally, Farkle was heard to mutter, "keep dreamin', sister".

Slapping Corrector- Originally identified by ISBA field agent Tina Sidhe while on special assignment with ISBA scribe Jonas Spaltezahn and field investigator Frank Farkle.  While investigating the famed “Tuckwhistle Haunting” Sidhe was struck forcefully across the face during an EVP session.  As she was employing no night vision gear and the room was completely dark, she did not see the spirit, but she said it must have been fully manifested as she felt the blow terribly.  Farkle could not confirm this event as he had left his station to answer the call of nature, but suggested that “psychic energies were likely very high in the place” due to what he described as residual emotional psychokinetic surges as a result of “heightened emotions no doubt a result of a spirited discussion about the personal integrity of the Founding Fathers”.  Sidhe noted that the spirit did have the lingering odor of “patriarchy”, which she later described as bourbon, cigar smoke, and old spice.  The EVP evidence including the faint sounds of, “shut your mouth, hussy” was sadly lost when Farkle was degaussing some older media.

Creepy Toucher-First identified by ISBA associate Wilma Trout, the Creepy Toucher is tentatively named, as it may be a variation of the Sniggering Poop Finger, a spirit first identified by ISBA field investigator Frank Farkle while investigating the haunted bedroom of the Guildford family mansion with Trout.  Trout based her identification on the previous investigation where she lay in the haunted bedroom in the pitch dark and attempted "somnolent psychic contact" with the potential entity.  During the Guildford investigation Trout described feeling, "spidery fingers lingering around her face, then feeling a dampness under her nose and a smell like feces after dollar wings and beer night at the Endzone bar and grill".  Farkle described a dark, eyeless form with an over-sized grin that had just stuck its finger into its nether regions.  Due to technical difficulties the night vision cameras failed to confirm Farkle's identification.

Larry-Everyone knows Larry.  

And that's all we have.  I've undergone great personal risk to bring you this information, so please, keep your pumpkins lit.

Special Feature: The ISBA Files Pt. 3

We are continuing our dangerous and fascinating expose of the secret ISBA ghost identification guide.  Friends, be warned, the ISBA jealously guards its secrets.  Simply having knowledge of these definitions, much less possession of the manual, may get you targeted by this cult!

Naughty Nancy the Libidinous Lethal Librarian of Littleton-A unique haunt found only in Littleton, Idaho, Nancy is believed to be the spirit of a woman who was spurned by her fiancé and took her own life.  Or she might be the spirit of a black widow bride who married 14 husbands, enticing them with her plunging necklines and diaphanous gowns, only to murder them on the wedding night.  Or she was a raging nymphomaniac in life and stayed tied to the mortal plane to keep up her activities which seemingly she cannot do in death.  Or she was a librarian.  That was a black widow.  Or a nympho.  Or was spurned by her fiancé, or a trucker.  Or a group of truckers.  Maybe it was bikers.  Or werewolves.  Or werewolf bikers...on wheels.  Records are scant on this one.  Regardless Nancy is considered dangerous to ISBA members and associates of all sexual identities and orientations.  Semper Circumspectus; Semper Vigilanti.

Spooky Bob-Spooky Bob is either a unique entity that is not anchored to a particular location and therefore can be found across the continental United States, or is a class of apparitions that all look alike and share the same behaviors.  Spooky Bob is generally considered non-violent but mischievous.  That Spooky Bob has a face like a Jack O’ Lantern has not gone unnoticed since it was first commented upon by ISBA field investigator Frank Farkle.  While none of the ISBA field agents have ever managed to confirm a Spooky Bob sighting, the copious amounts of reports of the spirit’s existence all across the US, provided mainly via correspondence to the ISBA from non-members, argues that it cannot simply be a myth.  The reports say that when Spooky Bob manifests, he generally says “Boo” in a loud voice, then steals some small object.  A rash of lost items have been linked to the appearance of this spirit.

Bound Spectator-A variant specter, the Bound Spectator is typically found wrapped in chains, ropes, or shackles.  Frank Farkle, ISBA field investigator, first encountered this type and it is his description that provided the basis for the ISBA files, as no other investigator or associate has yet to see one.  This type of ghost is bound to a specific location, typically old opera houses, theatres, drive-ins, or arenas.  Occasionally one can be found at residential locations, whereupon research may reveal that it was the former location of such a public arena (or perhaps they are simply the spirits of disembodied voyeurs).  Per ISBA field investigator Farkle, they are easily entertained by simple magic tricks such as palming coins, card tricks, and, "that douchebag Criss Angel shit".  

Tye-Dyed Stoner-First identified by ISBA field investigator Marty LeBoeuf, and later identified by ISBA field investigator Frank Farkle as the ghost most likely to make him, "shoot myself solely to go into the afterlife and kick its dirty hippie ass", the Tye-Dyed Stoner is offensive to the living only in terms of its lingering scent of patchouli and organic fertilizer, and its sanctimonious utterances about peace, love, brotherhood, and communal living over free market capitalism.  A rare example of a spirit that is hyper-benign (it won't even psychically lift a finger to defend itself) and obnoxiously helpful, the TDS will linger among investigators offering "advice" and spouting platitudes.  Farkle claims the TDS is proof of spiritual flatulent residue that carries over into the afterlife, stating, "Don't look at me, I don't eat f*#%ing wheat grass and lentils".  LeBoeuf has declared his intention to study the spirit, suspecting that prolonged contact with the ectoplasmic residue produces a euphoric state followed by a craving for food of high caloric, but low nutritional value.

Flatulent Moaner-First identified by ISBA field investigator Frank Farkle while on assignment with ISBA scribe Jonas Spaltezahn and ISBA field investigator Abigail Spinner.  During a blackout EVP session a distinct sound like a "rumble followed by an air horn" was heard followed by a smell described by Spinner as, "what you'd expect from a diet consisting solely of microwave burritos and bad coffee purchased from a gas station".  Due to the overwhelming odor the investigators were forced to flee to the lighted antechamber whereupon Farkle told a tale of an apparition without discernible features that spoke to him telepathically.  Sadly Frank was not able to provide photographic evidence of the event as he'd put his camera down to interact with the spirit when it had requested he pull its finger.

Special Feature-the ISBA Files Pt. 2

Continuing my expose of the seedy underbelly of the ghost hunting world, here is the latest installment of the ISBA manual that I have obtained for you, my loyal readers, at no small danger to myself.

Ennui Haunter- Easily the most depressing ghost in the world.  Should an E. Haunter be in the area during your EVP sessions the overwhelming moroseness and boredom will drive off other, more interesting spirits.  Often found in conjunction with lesser spirits in its orbit, most likely the souls of marginalized persons in life, looking for something to guide them and being drawn to the tragically cool disaffection of the Haunter.  According to ISBA field investigator Frank Farkle, E. Haunter’s tend to attract Lingering Poots.

Grimacing Sharter- This anguished spirit was first identified by ISBA field investigators Frank Farkle and Terrance Horowitz, later relayed to ISBA scribe Jonas Spaltezahn.  During an investigation into rumors of a spirit on the bayou very near Imelda’s Gator Tail Gumbo Shack, reputed to be the spiciest gumbo in all of Louisiana, Terrance described a noise he heard as, “similar to the sound of an outboard motor hitting the bottom and kicking up mud, followed by a sucking sound.”  Horowitz further described the sound of a sharp cry, which sounded like it might have come from his partner, Farkle.  Farkle was nowhere on the scene, however, but upon returning the pair discussed what had occurred.  Frank confirmed that the cry was his, uttered upon seeing the apparition, its face contorted into such pain as if its “guts were being torn out and hot lava passing from them”.  Both men agreed the scent was like a combination of swamp mud and cheap beer, with notes of THC.  While Terrance did not see the spirit directly, he did say he caught a glimpse out of his periphery of a form in great distress, but that it disappeared almost as suddenly as it appeared.

Tragigeist-AKA Weeper, or as it is known solely to ISBA field investigator Frank Farkle, “whimpering, simper-ghost of an occupying little Commie punk”, this spirit likely belonged, in life, to an individual that was easily upset by things of minor consequence, especially unrelated to themselves directly, if at all.  WARNING: Do not attempt to engage in conversation or attempt EVP if you suspect one is in the vicinity.  Unpredictable at best, illogical as a matter of course. 

Bloody Marty-First identified by ISBA junior associates Theresa Flanagan and Caroline Abercrombie, this spirit appears to be a masculine variant of the famous Bloody Mary specter summoned to slumber parties by girls around the nation.  The pair attempted the summoning one night when the Flanagan parents were away, leaving only Theresa's brother Kevin alone with the girls.  Abercrombie's testimony that the spirit, "grabbed my knockers" was considered odd behavior for a ghost, but confirmed by Kevin, who swore it was definitely a ghost that did it.  Promise.  Definitely a ghost.  

Special Feature-The ISBA Files

Friends, at great personal risk to myself I have obtained a copy of the most secret of the ISBA (International Spirit Bothering Association) books, their spirit guide, and have reprinted selected passages for you here.  This came at no little danger, I assure you, for the ISBA guards their secrets jealously if not very well.
For all of you that grew up wishing you had a real Tobin's Spirit Guide from Ghostbusters, this is for you.
Enjoy.

 Mocking Farter-First identified by ISBA field investigator Frank Farkle with ISBA scribe Jonas Spaltezahn in attendance.  Upon noting a smell that Jonas described as, “very similar to rotting vegetation with a sharp tang like hot sauce or vinegar, with a cloying consistency and notes of cigar” he proceeded to question Farkle about it.  Frank described a silently laughing man of some years from whose spectral presence Frank believed the smell to have originated.  Jonas Spaltezahn could not confirm the presence with visual affirmation, but trusted Farkle’s experience and credentials in the matter.

Big Epersonator-First identified by ISBA co-founder William Congers while investigating a haunting at a small casino off the Las Vegas strip.  During the investigation Congers, along with ISBA scribe Jonas Spaltezahn, and veteran ISBA field investigator Frank Farkle, detected a scent he described as, "like bacon, peanut butter, bananas, and Quaaludes".  The trio employed night vision goggles and EVP whereupon the vague and hazy outline of the apparition was detected along with the refrains of "Love Me Tender" and "Hound Dog".  Farkle's assumption was that there should also be "Little Epersonators" based on the inverse reciprocal of psychokinetic energy law, which states that the less talent the Elvis Impersonator had in life, the bigger the spiritual manifestation.  

Lingering Poot-First identified by ISBA field investigator Frank Farkle while on assignment with Martha Bilkins and ISBA scribe Jonas Spaltezahn.  While performing an EVP session alone in the study of the long-abandoned Quarterstone Manor, Martha Bilkins said that she heard a “pufft” noise, not unlike, “somewhat wet flatulence”.  As the group rejoined in the study there was a “lingering scent, similar to boiled cabbage with a hint of corned beef and the acrid tang of vinegar”, as described by Jonas.  Farkle then explained seeing an “amorphous cloud, slightly tinged, that appeared and sat about undisturbed by the air”.  He noted that he had seen it for nearly a full two minutes, but sadly he did not have his camera ready, as he was changing the batteries at the time.  Neither the scribe, nor Bilkins could confirm this apparition.

Taunting Clotheshorse-Perhaps the least frightening ghost ever identified by ISBA investigators, and certainly the vainest, the Clotheshorse is a spirit that obsesses over fashionable attire, but being dead it tends to fail to keep up with the times.  ISBA field agent Harry Kiwis has attested that the spirit is easily offended by living beings with no relative fashion sense, but has all the threat potential of, "a Scooby Doo villain."