Zombie Roundtable

Podcasts and such seem to be quite popular these days, but this is a blog with limited technical expertise, so rather than do a podcast, the Celtic Pumpkin management got a few experts together to discuss our topic of the season.  Please welcome to the Pumpkin Round Table Flennetar the paladin, all the way from the fantasy realm of Dungeon.

Thank you for having me.

And also welcome our other expert guest, you know him as the leader of the Wizards of Morcar, Cuspis the Highly Annoyed.

Hello everyone, nice to be here.

Our moderator is the original Celtic Pumpkin.

Lovely to be here.  Let's get started, shall we?

Flennetar, you are a paladin.  You smite evil and do good deeds all day long.  Cuspis, you are a wizard, in many ways the opposite end of the spectrum from Flennetar.  What we want to know is Zombies vs Ghosts.

What about them?

What do you mean, "What about them?"?

Just that.  Do you mean who would win in a fight?  My money's on the ghosts.  Sure, they are insubstantial, but zombies have no real intellect.  I think with a little creative effort the ghosts would take the zombies.  

Smite them both.  Smite the hell out of them.  When in doubt, smite.  

I have to say, Cuspis, I expected a bit more. 

Well it's not a well-defined question.  

Actually it wasn't even a question.  It was a statement.  Zombies vs Ghosts.  That's a declaration, not an interrogative.  

Aren't you a wizard?  An expert in matters arcane and such?

Yes, but I'm not a necromancer or anything.  I'm a High Mage.  If you wanted an expert you should have asked Pierre to come.

Ha!  Nice one.

He said he had a prior engagement.  Besides, what's the difference?

Oh, there's plenty of difference.  Necromancers are evil wizards that specialize in death and the undead, while Cuspis is obviously some kind of Arch-Wizard.

...

Thank you, Flennetar, but actually I'm a High Mage.

Which is?

I'm more of a facilitator of wizards.  It's like a management position really.  I measure the variables to synergize the disparate skills, abilities, and personalities of other wizards.  Then I engineer plans, rituals, and covens to suit the needs of the particular magical efforts in a way that maximizes outcomes while actualizing potentialities to overcome obstacles and create opportunities.

I thought you were the leader of the Wizards of Morcar, or something.

That's flattering, but heck no.  I manage the group, true, but each member is a highly valued part of the gestaltic whole that is the Wizards of Morcar.  It's an exciting occupation, I can tell you, especially with a client like Morcar.  I could tell you some stories.

I can't believe what I'm hearing right now.  So you three answered an ad in a wizard trade magazine or something?

Ha ha, not exactly, Gourd-o.  I knew Pierre from Wizard University.  We were on the wrestling team together.  Carl I had worked with on a previous job, the Goblin-Faerie War of Terrortree Forest...

I remember that war.  My adventuring party fought on the side of the faeries.  

Wait a minute.  Are you Flennetar the Flayer, Scourge of Goblinkind?  

The very same.  Wait, that would have been, say, 9 years ago...was that Carl the Lightning of Wrath, the famous stormlord?  Because that would mean you are Cuspis the Dry Toothpick to the Eye!

I haven't heard that name in a while.  How are you, Flen?  You nearly had me at the Battle of the Stump That Looks A Bit Like A Wang.  

Oh yes, that was quite a scuffle.  It was when I kicked that goblin at you...

...and you hit Flind right in the tits!  Oh, she was well pissed.  I thought she was going to burn down the forest.  Good thing she specializes in illusions and enchantments.

Flind?

Flind the Fetching

Flind the Floozy, more like.  Here I have a portrait of her in my scroll case.  Hang on...

Why is she called "Flind the Fletching"?  Or for that matter, "the Floozy"?

I should think that would be obvious.  Handy to have in a battle, serves as a great distraction, but she's a real witch otherwise.  Anyway, all wizards have to have an epithet.  It's just something you do.  Usually you pick it up in school, but that's often not the most flattering.  Pierre was known as Pierre the Pantywaist in undergrad studies.  I suspect that's why he went on to specialize in necromancy.  Then he was known as "That creepy French guy that plays with dead things", but never to his face.

Kids can be cruel.  Say, how did you go from being "The Dry Toothpick to the Eye" to "the Highly Annoyed" anyway?

You've clearly never met my co-workers.

I hate to break up this whole reunion thing, but the original topic still stands: Zombies vs Ghosts.  Final thoughts?

Oh yes.  Smite them.  Smite the hell out of them.  Turn them, burn them, smite them, and when in doubt, smite again.

Ghosts all the way.  Zombies are so last decade.

Thank you both, drive safely.  And thank you, ladies and gentlemen, for reading.  Until next time this is the Celtic Pumpkin saying "Keep your pumpkins lit and spay and neuter your homunculi."

Special Feature: The ISBA Files Pt. 4

Are you getting worried yet?
Received any strange texts or calls that mysteriously hang up on you?
It could be because you persist in delving into the secrets of the ISBA, but friends the truth must come to light!
Read on!  Read on bravely!

Phadtom- This type of spirit may look like a Viking ghost, but that is merely it's current manifestation.  The Johnny-Come-Lately of the spirit world, the Faddish Phantom, or Phadtom, is a recurring phantasm that appears as whatever is currently the in thing in the public consciousness.  As the psychokinetic manifestation is drawn from the surface thoughts of the human consciousness it is often completely out of place, such as a Viking ghost found in Texas, a state of the Union that categorically never had a Norse visitor.  As Frank Farkle, ISBA field investigator notes, "If it was Minnesota, I might be convinced, but this is just a hipster douche ghost with no sense of style."  Field reports have noted the overwhelming scent of disaffected desparation preceding the arrival of the spirit.

Bulging Groper-First identified by ISBA field investigator Frank Farkle while on assignment with ISBA scribe Jonas Spaltezahn, ISBA associate Debbie “Double D” Danforth, and ISBA associate Becky “Booty Shorts” Lopez.  During a night hunt for the “Pelham Abbey Apparition” Danforth and Lopez both described feeling cold, bony hands about their persons.  Unfortunately the night vision gear failed to operate properly, perhaps due to spiritual interference, thus the ladies could not confirm the presence.  Farkle described seeing “a pair of staring eyes and bony hands” on or about the private parts of the ladies.  To date no other ISBA member has encountered this spirit.  When ISBA field investigator Gertrude Frump expressed her desire to meet with the spirit personally, Farkle was heard to mutter, "keep dreamin', sister".

Slapping Corrector- Originally identified by ISBA field agent Tina Sidhe while on special assignment with ISBA scribe Jonas Spaltezahn and field investigator Frank Farkle.  While investigating the famed “Tuckwhistle Haunting” Sidhe was struck forcefully across the face during an EVP session.  As she was employing no night vision gear and the room was completely dark, she did not see the spirit, but she said it must have been fully manifested as she felt the blow terribly.  Farkle could not confirm this event as he had left his station to answer the call of nature, but suggested that “psychic energies were likely very high in the place” due to what he described as residual emotional psychokinetic surges as a result of “heightened emotions no doubt a result of a spirited discussion about the personal integrity of the Founding Fathers”.  Sidhe noted that the spirit did have the lingering odor of “patriarchy”, which she later described as bourbon, cigar smoke, and old spice.  The EVP evidence including the faint sounds of, “shut your mouth, hussy” was sadly lost when Farkle was degaussing some older media.

Creepy Toucher-First identified by ISBA associate Wilma Trout, the Creepy Toucher is tentatively named, as it may be a variation of the Sniggering Poop Finger, a spirit first identified by ISBA field investigator Frank Farkle while investigating the haunted bedroom of the Guildford family mansion with Trout.  Trout based her identification on the previous investigation where she lay in the haunted bedroom in the pitch dark and attempted "somnolent psychic contact" with the potential entity.  During the Guildford investigation Trout described feeling, "spidery fingers lingering around her face, then feeling a dampness under her nose and a smell like feces after dollar wings and beer night at the Endzone bar and grill".  Farkle described a dark, eyeless form with an over-sized grin that had just stuck its finger into its nether regions.  Due to technical difficulties the night vision cameras failed to confirm Farkle's identification.

Larry-Everyone knows Larry.  

And that's all we have.  I've undergone great personal risk to bring you this information, so please, keep your pumpkins lit.

Special Feature: The ISBA Files Pt. 3

We are continuing our dangerous and fascinating expose of the secret ISBA ghost identification guide.  Friends, be warned, the ISBA jealously guards its secrets.  Simply having knowledge of these definitions, much less possession of the manual, may get you targeted by this cult!

Naughty Nancy the Libidinous Lethal Librarian of Littleton-A unique haunt found only in Littleton, Idaho, Nancy is believed to be the spirit of a woman who was spurned by her fiancé and took her own life.  Or she might be the spirit of a black widow bride who married 14 husbands, enticing them with her plunging necklines and diaphanous gowns, only to murder them on the wedding night.  Or she was a raging nymphomaniac in life and stayed tied to the mortal plane to keep up her activities which seemingly she cannot do in death.  Or she was a librarian.  That was a black widow.  Or a nympho.  Or was spurned by her fiancé, or a trucker.  Or a group of truckers.  Maybe it was bikers.  Or werewolves.  Or werewolf bikers...on wheels.  Records are scant on this one.  Regardless Nancy is considered dangerous to ISBA members and associates of all sexual identities and orientations.  Semper Circumspectus; Semper Vigilanti.

Spooky Bob-Spooky Bob is either a unique entity that is not anchored to a particular location and therefore can be found across the continental United States, or is a class of apparitions that all look alike and share the same behaviors.  Spooky Bob is generally considered non-violent but mischievous.  That Spooky Bob has a face like a Jack O’ Lantern has not gone unnoticed since it was first commented upon by ISBA field investigator Frank Farkle.  While none of the ISBA field agents have ever managed to confirm a Spooky Bob sighting, the copious amounts of reports of the spirit’s existence all across the US, provided mainly via correspondence to the ISBA from non-members, argues that it cannot simply be a myth.  The reports say that when Spooky Bob manifests, he generally says “Boo” in a loud voice, then steals some small object.  A rash of lost items have been linked to the appearance of this spirit.

Bound Spectator-A variant specter, the Bound Spectator is typically found wrapped in chains, ropes, or shackles.  Frank Farkle, ISBA field investigator, first encountered this type and it is his description that provided the basis for the ISBA files, as no other investigator or associate has yet to see one.  This type of ghost is bound to a specific location, typically old opera houses, theatres, drive-ins, or arenas.  Occasionally one can be found at residential locations, whereupon research may reveal that it was the former location of such a public arena (or perhaps they are simply the spirits of disembodied voyeurs).  Per ISBA field investigator Farkle, they are easily entertained by simple magic tricks such as palming coins, card tricks, and, "that douchebag Criss Angel shit".  

Tye-Dyed Stoner-First identified by ISBA field investigator Marty LeBoeuf, and later identified by ISBA field investigator Frank Farkle as the ghost most likely to make him, "shoot myself solely to go into the afterlife and kick its dirty hippie ass", the Tye-Dyed Stoner is offensive to the living only in terms of its lingering scent of patchouli and organic fertilizer, and its sanctimonious utterances about peace, love, brotherhood, and communal living over free market capitalism.  A rare example of a spirit that is hyper-benign (it won't even psychically lift a finger to defend itself) and obnoxiously helpful, the TDS will linger among investigators offering "advice" and spouting platitudes.  Farkle claims the TDS is proof of spiritual flatulent residue that carries over into the afterlife, stating, "Don't look at me, I don't eat f*#%ing wheat grass and lentils".  LeBoeuf has declared his intention to study the spirit, suspecting that prolonged contact with the ectoplasmic residue produces a euphoric state followed by a craving for food of high caloric, but low nutritional value.

Flatulent Moaner-First identified by ISBA field investigator Frank Farkle while on assignment with ISBA scribe Jonas Spaltezahn and ISBA field investigator Abigail Spinner.  During a blackout EVP session a distinct sound like a "rumble followed by an air horn" was heard followed by a smell described by Spinner as, "what you'd expect from a diet consisting solely of microwave burritos and bad coffee purchased from a gas station".  Due to the overwhelming odor the investigators were forced to flee to the lighted antechamber whereupon Farkle told a tale of an apparition without discernible features that spoke to him telepathically.  Sadly Frank was not able to provide photographic evidence of the event as he'd put his camera down to interact with the spirit when it had requested he pull its finger.