Roadkill: From the CP Cutting Room Floor

Not a CP Classic Rewind; more bonus content.  I originally wrote this piece for last year's zombie topic but in the end I had more content than I could use.  Besides, I'd done zombies to death by that point and the ISBA files needed to be updated.  I did major research for this piece (which means I reread the comics and did some internet searching) so it seems a shame not to share it, even if it is not part of this year's theme.

In honor of Halloween and the general topic of zombies, today we are looking at a Deadworld oneshot from 1993 entitled Roadkill, a Chronicle of the Deadworld.  Written by Del Stone and art by Dave Dorman, Roadkill is the story of an intelligent zombie biker named Hitch.  Published in comic book format, the oneshot is actually a prose text with several full pages of black and white illustrations by industry favorite Dave Dorman.  As such, it is not really a comic book, nor is it a graphic novel, but the pace, the story, and the style reads easily like a good comic should, making it more a short story than anything else.

Wrap Around Cover of Roadkill

I've discussed Deadworld before, in my ongoing quest to demonstrate that Walking Dead is not the greatest example of zombie media, indeed to underscore my belief that it is mediocre and derivative at best.  This stand alone tale does not require that the reader be intimately familiar with the story of Deadworld, but if you are, then you get more out of it.  The protagonist, Hitch, is an intelligent zombie, which is rare in the Deadworld setting.  There are a few, such as the villain King Zombie, but that is explained within the setting as those zombies are not the people that died, but rather host bodies for the spirits that the evil forces sent to Earth to open the invasion path.  Hitch, therefore, is unique in that he is intelligent and free-willed, while still being the person he was in life, only now he is a zombie.  This is expressed to the reader, but never explained.  We simply accept that Hitch is unique and move on.

Hitch, our protagonist

Along with being a thinking free-willed zombie, Hitch can mentally command other non-thinking zombies.  Again we are given no explanation for why this is, and that's fine because the reason is not important.  The story has Hitch in Amarillo, Texas, running away from the events in Michigan (which would be the main Deadworld story where King Zombie is trying to open a portal to bring in his masters) when he comes across a compound with a weapon that causes the dead to turn and eat each other, and also fries them up.  Your basic sci-fi raygun death beam weapon.  Hitch rescues a woman named Dakota and hatches a scheme to get access to the compound, called Spandau, where he intends to claim the weapon and its designer, a man known as the Little Hitler.  Said man was a scientist for NASA and now runs the compound under his own ideological fourth reich.  Hiding inside a tanker truck of pesticide, driven by Dakota, Hitch intends to capture his quarry with the aid of an army of zombies he's amassed outside with his powers.  Dakota betrays him to the humans and he winds up on a slab heading for a necropsy.

Hitch is in trouble, folks.

Always arrogant the Little Hitler decides to show Hitch his true power but things go south when Hitch's specially selected "skeleton crew" of zombies his put leather jackets, bandannas, and strapped with ordnance blow the fence.  In the ensuing chaos our hero breaks his leg, which will not heal.  He manufactures a splint out of a fresh femur he pulls from a soldier and goes on to fight the Little Hitler in his diesel powered mech walker.  You know, as I write this it sounds a bit ridiculous, but trust me it all works in the story.  It has verisimilitude.  Our story ends with Hitch's plans derailed by the death of the Little Hitler and the loss of the death ray, but he does make a deal with the surviving humans and leaves with a nuclear warhead and a plan to stop King Zombie.
Why?
Essentially Hitch does not wish to die again, and he sees the efforts of King Zombie as a threat to his new existence.  While this does not make him heroic, it does make him a reasonably sympathetic protagonist.  Being intelligent he has no craving for human flesh either, so that helps to make him more likable.

Hitch returns for one more tale.

Hitch returned in a short called December, published as a special insert for Hero magazine.  The story was only about 5 pages of text but the issue included an interview with Del Stone and Dave Dorman about their creation and their plans.  In December we find Hitch up in Michigan in the snow with his bomb, a pair of Sears Die-Hard batteries strapped to his back and wired to his muscles to prevent his becoming a zombie statue, as all the non-intelligent zombies have become.  He has a run in with some human survivors and kills them, then heads off to look for something called the Golem out in the desert somewhere.  It's not much of a story and really serves as a link to the next chapter of Hitch's overall story, which was to be entitled Heat.  
The interview revealed to the readers how Hitch was first created as a piece of art by Dorman for the last issue of Deadworld, and how he and Stone developed the character and story.  As stated by the creators, they wanted to minimize the amount of Deadworld links so the story of Hitch would not be intrinsically linked to the Deadworld story, allowing them creative freedom to tell stories of the character.  They also retained the rights to the character and stories themselves.
This might be why Heat did not get released, as such, but instead became a full novel entitled Dead Heat.

The novel reworks the elements of Roadkill and December into a larger narrative that tells the full tale of Hitch's unlife and adventures, removing the explicitly Deadworld references.  

For stories with zombie protagonists you could do worse.  Much worse.  You could read Marvel Zombies, for example.  <SHUDDER>  For stories about intelligent zombie bikers that carry a meat hook and fight a would-be Hitler with a mech and a death ray before killing Santa Clause and running off with a nuke to fight a monster that creates super zombies...I'm pretty sure you cannot do better.

Once again, when I look at it written down like that it looks insane.  Maybe it is insane, but it's insane in all the best ways.  Any zombie media is a bit insane.  Superheroes are a bit insane.  Sci-fi, action films, all of that stuff is wacky, is it not?  We create little imaginary worlds in fiction and as long as we are internally consistent we buy into it.  Hitch was a mechanic, just a regular Joe, then he had a motorcycle accident and awoke as a zombie during a zombie apocalypse and to his surprise had intelligence and will, but no purpose.  It's an existential zombie story about finding a purpose!  It's the quest for human meaning with a crazy wannabe Hitler and death rays and mechs and...
Look, it's a million billion times better than Walking Dead.  It's Z Nation levels of crazy.  It's the Zombie Biker Hero story you never knew you wanted!  When you consider the shite that is produced in the zombie media, how can a Hitler in a mech not be warranted?

Keep your pumpkins lit.

Zombie Roundtable

Podcasts and such seem to be quite popular these days, but this is a blog with limited technical expertise, so rather than do a podcast, the Celtic Pumpkin management got a few experts together to discuss our topic of the season.  Please welcome to the Pumpkin Round Table Flennetar the paladin, all the way from the fantasy realm of Dungeon.

Thank you for having me.

And also welcome our other expert guest, you know him as the leader of the Wizards of Morcar, Cuspis the Highly Annoyed.

Hello everyone, nice to be here.

Our moderator is the original Celtic Pumpkin.

Lovely to be here.  Let's get started, shall we?

Flennetar, you are a paladin.  You smite evil and do good deeds all day long.  Cuspis, you are a wizard, in many ways the opposite end of the spectrum from Flennetar.  What we want to know is Zombies vs Ghosts.

What about them?

What do you mean, "What about them?"?

Just that.  Do you mean who would win in a fight?  My money's on the ghosts.  Sure, they are insubstantial, but zombies have no real intellect.  I think with a little creative effort the ghosts would take the zombies.  

Smite them both.  Smite the hell out of them.  When in doubt, smite.  

I have to say, Cuspis, I expected a bit more. 

Well it's not a well-defined question.  

Actually it wasn't even a question.  It was a statement.  Zombies vs Ghosts.  That's a declaration, not an interrogative.  

Aren't you a wizard?  An expert in matters arcane and such?

Yes, but I'm not a necromancer or anything.  I'm a High Mage.  If you wanted an expert you should have asked Pierre to come.

Ha!  Nice one.

He said he had a prior engagement.  Besides, what's the difference?

Oh, there's plenty of difference.  Necromancers are evil wizards that specialize in death and the undead, while Cuspis is obviously some kind of Arch-Wizard.

...

Thank you, Flennetar, but actually I'm a High Mage.

Which is?

I'm more of a facilitator of wizards.  It's like a management position really.  I measure the variables to synergize the disparate skills, abilities, and personalities of other wizards.  Then I engineer plans, rituals, and covens to suit the needs of the particular magical efforts in a way that maximizes outcomes while actualizing potentialities to overcome obstacles and create opportunities.

I thought you were the leader of the Wizards of Morcar, or something.

That's flattering, but heck no.  I manage the group, true, but each member is a highly valued part of the gestaltic whole that is the Wizards of Morcar.  It's an exciting occupation, I can tell you, especially with a client like Morcar.  I could tell you some stories.

I can't believe what I'm hearing right now.  So you three answered an ad in a wizard trade magazine or something?

Ha ha, not exactly, Gourd-o.  I knew Pierre from Wizard University.  We were on the wrestling team together.  Carl I had worked with on a previous job, the Goblin-Faerie War of Terrortree Forest...

I remember that war.  My adventuring party fought on the side of the faeries.  

Wait a minute.  Are you Flennetar the Flayer, Scourge of Goblinkind?  

The very same.  Wait, that would have been, say, 9 years ago...was that Carl the Lightning of Wrath, the famous stormlord?  Because that would mean you are Cuspis the Dry Toothpick to the Eye!

I haven't heard that name in a while.  How are you, Flen?  You nearly had me at the Battle of the Stump That Looks A Bit Like A Wang.  

Oh yes, that was quite a scuffle.  It was when I kicked that goblin at you...

...and you hit Flind right in the tits!  Oh, she was well pissed.  I thought she was going to burn down the forest.  Good thing she specializes in illusions and enchantments.

Flind?

Flind the Fetching

Flind the Floozy, more like.  Here I have a portrait of her in my scroll case.  Hang on...

Why is she called "Flind the Fletching"?  Or for that matter, "the Floozy"?

I should think that would be obvious.  Handy to have in a battle, serves as a great distraction, but she's a real witch otherwise.  Anyway, all wizards have to have an epithet.  It's just something you do.  Usually you pick it up in school, but that's often not the most flattering.  Pierre was known as Pierre the Pantywaist in undergrad studies.  I suspect that's why he went on to specialize in necromancy.  Then he was known as "That creepy French guy that plays with dead things", but never to his face.

Kids can be cruel.  Say, how did you go from being "The Dry Toothpick to the Eye" to "the Highly Annoyed" anyway?

You've clearly never met my co-workers.

I hate to break up this whole reunion thing, but the original topic still stands: Zombies vs Ghosts.  Final thoughts?

Oh yes.  Smite them.  Smite the hell out of them.  Turn them, burn them, smite them, and when in doubt, smite again.

Ghosts all the way.  Zombies are so last decade.

Thank you both, drive safely.  And thank you, ladies and gentlemen, for reading.  Until next time this is the Celtic Pumpkin saying "Keep your pumpkins lit and spay and neuter your homunculi."

WTFZ

What The F@#$ Zombie?
We've seen many zombie costume ideas this year, but as with any trend there are things that make you scratch your head and wonder available out there.  Sometimes they work, but sometimes you are left feeling that the designer missed the class where they teach ironic juxtaposition in joke telling.  Sometimes we have the surreal, and that's good for its own reasons.  Then sometimes we have zombie fruit.

Here we have a Zombie Banana.  It's weird, I'll give it that.  Grab this little one piece slip over number and pair it with basic black for a zombie banana.  A banana that stalks.  Note the brain.  Just living fruit (okay, I realize plants are alive, don't be so pedantic) with facial features is already pretty cool for a costume concept, but in this case we've just taken one thing and stuck ZOMBIE on it to get your 49 bucks.  
Who's that, Death Doler?  I see your brought a friend.  Zombie Penguin!
Ahhh, shit...ahhh, he's got a tie!
Now here's that great example of surrealism I was talking about up top.  Penguins are birds in tuxedos.  Get it?  So it has a bow tie.  That's a nice touch.  It's actually a decent little number, but I'd give extra points for flipper feet.  I know, penguin's don't have swim fins for feet, but go have a look at a penguin's feet and tell me if a pair of black shoes is a better choice than some yellow swim fins.  Ah ha, that's what I thought.
Rick Grimes Bath Robe: The true WTF of this picture.  So many things come to mind.  Why a bathrobe?  Why in a Halloween catalog?  To what sort of party is this guy going?  (Actually, we don't want to ask or know, do we?)  I implore you, if you have money to burn and you are just dying for an official Rick Grimes Walking Dead bathrobe, with simulated wounds and badges and logo on the back...start doing drugs.  Just go ahead and start doing blow now.  You'll get much more out of it.  That guy in the picture...I just feel bad for him.  He's not happy.  He showed up for the photo shoot thinking, "All right!  I got the Grimes costume.  I've been going to Pilates, I've had my half-caff soy latte, I'm ready to roll" and they were like, "Go ahead and pop your clothes on the chair, your costume is behind the screen".  He comes out wearing the robe thinking it's a courtesy robe and asks where the costume is, and they say, "Good, good, but lose the socks".
It's a shit game, modeling.

A horse is a horse, of course, of course...
"What, Rook, you don't like the animal masks?" you ask.
Neigh, I say.  I like them fine.  
There is something simple and fun about them.  I'm not attacking this mask.  I'm saying it causes one to do a bit of a double take, but that's a good thing, yes?  It doesn't require explanation, but man is it disturbing.  If you get invited to a party and the theme is zombies (or you want to go on a Zombie Walk, and I don't know why you would do that, but to each his own) a zombie horse mask is a very nice spanner in the works.  You have met the theme requirement and still managed to be different.  And disturbing.  Bonus points if you can get a friend to dress up as a zombie jockey or cowboy and piggyback into the party.
Okay, I've been saving this one for last...

"Blaaarrgggh boogity blah!"

The PIZZA FIEND!
Full disclosure, when I first saw this mask on the internet I balked.  I thought it was ridiculous; all the more because it came up in a "zombie" search.  Monster, absolutely.  Zombie?  It has an Ed "Big Daddy" Roth vibe to it.  (Ask your parents, kids).
Which is why, I suspect, it started to grow on me.
I see so much potential for this mask.  Get one of those stereotypical Chef Boyardee/Mario Batali shirts, a pizza cutter...oh yeah...I've done a mock up for you for inspiration:

Oh baby. 
Zombie or not, the Pizza Fiend has to be a part of your Halloween.  

Zombie on and keep your pumpkins lit!