Special Feature: The ISBA Files Pt. 4

Are you getting worried yet?
Received any strange texts or calls that mysteriously hang up on you?
It could be because you persist in delving into the secrets of the ISBA, but friends the truth must come to light!
Read on!  Read on bravely!

Phadtom- This type of spirit may look like a Viking ghost, but that is merely it's current manifestation.  The Johnny-Come-Lately of the spirit world, the Faddish Phantom, or Phadtom, is a recurring phantasm that appears as whatever is currently the in thing in the public consciousness.  As the psychokinetic manifestation is drawn from the surface thoughts of the human consciousness it is often completely out of place, such as a Viking ghost found in Texas, a state of the Union that categorically never had a Norse visitor.  As Frank Farkle, ISBA field investigator notes, "If it was Minnesota, I might be convinced, but this is just a hipster douche ghost with no sense of style."  Field reports have noted the overwhelming scent of disaffected desparation preceding the arrival of the spirit.

Bulging Groper-First identified by ISBA field investigator Frank Farkle while on assignment with ISBA scribe Jonas Spaltezahn, ISBA associate Debbie “Double D” Danforth, and ISBA associate Becky “Booty Shorts” Lopez.  During a night hunt for the “Pelham Abbey Apparition” Danforth and Lopez both described feeling cold, bony hands about their persons.  Unfortunately the night vision gear failed to operate properly, perhaps due to spiritual interference, thus the ladies could not confirm the presence.  Farkle described seeing “a pair of staring eyes and bony hands” on or about the private parts of the ladies.  To date no other ISBA member has encountered this spirit.  When ISBA field investigator Gertrude Frump expressed her desire to meet with the spirit personally, Farkle was heard to mutter, "keep dreamin', sister".

Slapping Corrector- Originally identified by ISBA field agent Tina Sidhe while on special assignment with ISBA scribe Jonas Spaltezahn and field investigator Frank Farkle.  While investigating the famed “Tuckwhistle Haunting” Sidhe was struck forcefully across the face during an EVP session.  As she was employing no night vision gear and the room was completely dark, she did not see the spirit, but she said it must have been fully manifested as she felt the blow terribly.  Farkle could not confirm this event as he had left his station to answer the call of nature, but suggested that “psychic energies were likely very high in the place” due to what he described as residual emotional psychokinetic surges as a result of “heightened emotions no doubt a result of a spirited discussion about the personal integrity of the Founding Fathers”.  Sidhe noted that the spirit did have the lingering odor of “patriarchy”, which she later described as bourbon, cigar smoke, and old spice.  The EVP evidence including the faint sounds of, “shut your mouth, hussy” was sadly lost when Farkle was degaussing some older media.

Creepy Toucher-First identified by ISBA associate Wilma Trout, the Creepy Toucher is tentatively named, as it may be a variation of the Sniggering Poop Finger, a spirit first identified by ISBA field investigator Frank Farkle while investigating the haunted bedroom of the Guildford family mansion with Trout.  Trout based her identification on the previous investigation where she lay in the haunted bedroom in the pitch dark and attempted "somnolent psychic contact" with the potential entity.  During the Guildford investigation Trout described feeling, "spidery fingers lingering around her face, then feeling a dampness under her nose and a smell like feces after dollar wings and beer night at the Endzone bar and grill".  Farkle described a dark, eyeless form with an over-sized grin that had just stuck its finger into its nether regions.  Due to technical difficulties the night vision cameras failed to confirm Farkle's identification.

Larry-Everyone knows Larry.  

And that's all we have.  I've undergone great personal risk to bring you this information, so please, keep your pumpkins lit.

Special Feature: The ISBA Files Pt. 3

We are continuing our dangerous and fascinating expose of the secret ISBA ghost identification guide.  Friends, be warned, the ISBA jealously guards its secrets.  Simply having knowledge of these definitions, much less possession of the manual, may get you targeted by this cult!

Naughty Nancy the Libidinous Lethal Librarian of Littleton-A unique haunt found only in Littleton, Idaho, Nancy is believed to be the spirit of a woman who was spurned by her fiancé and took her own life.  Or she might be the spirit of a black widow bride who married 14 husbands, enticing them with her plunging necklines and diaphanous gowns, only to murder them on the wedding night.  Or she was a raging nymphomaniac in life and stayed tied to the mortal plane to keep up her activities which seemingly she cannot do in death.  Or she was a librarian.  That was a black widow.  Or a nympho.  Or was spurned by her fiancé, or a trucker.  Or a group of truckers.  Maybe it was bikers.  Or werewolves.  Or werewolf bikers...on wheels.  Records are scant on this one.  Regardless Nancy is considered dangerous to ISBA members and associates of all sexual identities and orientations.  Semper Circumspectus; Semper Vigilanti.

Spooky Bob-Spooky Bob is either a unique entity that is not anchored to a particular location and therefore can be found across the continental United States, or is a class of apparitions that all look alike and share the same behaviors.  Spooky Bob is generally considered non-violent but mischievous.  That Spooky Bob has a face like a Jack O’ Lantern has not gone unnoticed since it was first commented upon by ISBA field investigator Frank Farkle.  While none of the ISBA field agents have ever managed to confirm a Spooky Bob sighting, the copious amounts of reports of the spirit’s existence all across the US, provided mainly via correspondence to the ISBA from non-members, argues that it cannot simply be a myth.  The reports say that when Spooky Bob manifests, he generally says “Boo” in a loud voice, then steals some small object.  A rash of lost items have been linked to the appearance of this spirit.

Bound Spectator-A variant specter, the Bound Spectator is typically found wrapped in chains, ropes, or shackles.  Frank Farkle, ISBA field investigator, first encountered this type and it is his description that provided the basis for the ISBA files, as no other investigator or associate has yet to see one.  This type of ghost is bound to a specific location, typically old opera houses, theatres, drive-ins, or arenas.  Occasionally one can be found at residential locations, whereupon research may reveal that it was the former location of such a public arena (or perhaps they are simply the spirits of disembodied voyeurs).  Per ISBA field investigator Farkle, they are easily entertained by simple magic tricks such as palming coins, card tricks, and, "that douchebag Criss Angel shit".  

Tye-Dyed Stoner-First identified by ISBA field investigator Marty LeBoeuf, and later identified by ISBA field investigator Frank Farkle as the ghost most likely to make him, "shoot myself solely to go into the afterlife and kick its dirty hippie ass", the Tye-Dyed Stoner is offensive to the living only in terms of its lingering scent of patchouli and organic fertilizer, and its sanctimonious utterances about peace, love, brotherhood, and communal living over free market capitalism.  A rare example of a spirit that is hyper-benign (it won't even psychically lift a finger to defend itself) and obnoxiously helpful, the TDS will linger among investigators offering "advice" and spouting platitudes.  Farkle claims the TDS is proof of spiritual flatulent residue that carries over into the afterlife, stating, "Don't look at me, I don't eat f*#%ing wheat grass and lentils".  LeBoeuf has declared his intention to study the spirit, suspecting that prolonged contact with the ectoplasmic residue produces a euphoric state followed by a craving for food of high caloric, but low nutritional value.

Flatulent Moaner-First identified by ISBA field investigator Frank Farkle while on assignment with ISBA scribe Jonas Spaltezahn and ISBA field investigator Abigail Spinner.  During a blackout EVP session a distinct sound like a "rumble followed by an air horn" was heard followed by a smell described by Spinner as, "what you'd expect from a diet consisting solely of microwave burritos and bad coffee purchased from a gas station".  Due to the overwhelming odor the investigators were forced to flee to the lighted antechamber whereupon Farkle told a tale of an apparition without discernible features that spoke to him telepathically.  Sadly Frank was not able to provide photographic evidence of the event as he'd put his camera down to interact with the spirit when it had requested he pull its finger.

Special Feature-the ISBA Files Pt. 2

Continuing my expose of the seedy underbelly of the ghost hunting world, here is the latest installment of the ISBA manual that I have obtained for you, my loyal readers, at no small danger to myself.

Ennui Haunter- Easily the most depressing ghost in the world.  Should an E. Haunter be in the area during your EVP sessions the overwhelming moroseness and boredom will drive off other, more interesting spirits.  Often found in conjunction with lesser spirits in its orbit, most likely the souls of marginalized persons in life, looking for something to guide them and being drawn to the tragically cool disaffection of the Haunter.  According to ISBA field investigator Frank Farkle, E. Haunter’s tend to attract Lingering Poots.

Grimacing Sharter- This anguished spirit was first identified by ISBA field investigators Frank Farkle and Terrance Horowitz, later relayed to ISBA scribe Jonas Spaltezahn.  During an investigation into rumors of a spirit on the bayou very near Imelda’s Gator Tail Gumbo Shack, reputed to be the spiciest gumbo in all of Louisiana, Terrance described a noise he heard as, “similar to the sound of an outboard motor hitting the bottom and kicking up mud, followed by a sucking sound.”  Horowitz further described the sound of a sharp cry, which sounded like it might have come from his partner, Farkle.  Farkle was nowhere on the scene, however, but upon returning the pair discussed what had occurred.  Frank confirmed that the cry was his, uttered upon seeing the apparition, its face contorted into such pain as if its “guts were being torn out and hot lava passing from them”.  Both men agreed the scent was like a combination of swamp mud and cheap beer, with notes of THC.  While Terrance did not see the spirit directly, he did say he caught a glimpse out of his periphery of a form in great distress, but that it disappeared almost as suddenly as it appeared.

Tragigeist-AKA Weeper, or as it is known solely to ISBA field investigator Frank Farkle, “whimpering, simper-ghost of an occupying little Commie punk”, this spirit likely belonged, in life, to an individual that was easily upset by things of minor consequence, especially unrelated to themselves directly, if at all.  WARNING: Do not attempt to engage in conversation or attempt EVP if you suspect one is in the vicinity.  Unpredictable at best, illogical as a matter of course. 

Bloody Marty-First identified by ISBA junior associates Theresa Flanagan and Caroline Abercrombie, this spirit appears to be a masculine variant of the famous Bloody Mary specter summoned to slumber parties by girls around the nation.  The pair attempted the summoning one night when the Flanagan parents were away, leaving only Theresa's brother Kevin alone with the girls.  Abercrombie's testimony that the spirit, "grabbed my knockers" was considered odd behavior for a ghost, but confirmed by Kevin, who swore it was definitely a ghost that did it.  Promise.  Definitely a ghost.  

Special Feature-The ISBA Files

Friends, at great personal risk to myself I have obtained a copy of the most secret of the ISBA (International Spirit Bothering Association) books, their spirit guide, and have reprinted selected passages for you here.  This came at no little danger, I assure you, for the ISBA guards their secrets jealously if not very well.
For all of you that grew up wishing you had a real Tobin's Spirit Guide from Ghostbusters, this is for you.
Enjoy.

 Mocking Farter-First identified by ISBA field investigator Frank Farkle with ISBA scribe Jonas Spaltezahn in attendance.  Upon noting a smell that Jonas described as, “very similar to rotting vegetation with a sharp tang like hot sauce or vinegar, with a cloying consistency and notes of cigar” he proceeded to question Farkle about it.  Frank described a silently laughing man of some years from whose spectral presence Frank believed the smell to have originated.  Jonas Spaltezahn could not confirm the presence with visual affirmation, but trusted Farkle’s experience and credentials in the matter.

Big Epersonator-First identified by ISBA co-founder William Congers while investigating a haunting at a small casino off the Las Vegas strip.  During the investigation Congers, along with ISBA scribe Jonas Spaltezahn, and veteran ISBA field investigator Frank Farkle, detected a scent he described as, "like bacon, peanut butter, bananas, and Quaaludes".  The trio employed night vision goggles and EVP whereupon the vague and hazy outline of the apparition was detected along with the refrains of "Love Me Tender" and "Hound Dog".  Farkle's assumption was that there should also be "Little Epersonators" based on the inverse reciprocal of psychokinetic energy law, which states that the less talent the Elvis Impersonator had in life, the bigger the spiritual manifestation.  

Lingering Poot-First identified by ISBA field investigator Frank Farkle while on assignment with Martha Bilkins and ISBA scribe Jonas Spaltezahn.  While performing an EVP session alone in the study of the long-abandoned Quarterstone Manor, Martha Bilkins said that she heard a “pufft” noise, not unlike, “somewhat wet flatulence”.  As the group rejoined in the study there was a “lingering scent, similar to boiled cabbage with a hint of corned beef and the acrid tang of vinegar”, as described by Jonas.  Farkle then explained seeing an “amorphous cloud, slightly tinged, that appeared and sat about undisturbed by the air”.  He noted that he had seen it for nearly a full two minutes, but sadly he did not have his camera ready, as he was changing the batteries at the time.  Neither the scribe, nor Bilkins could confirm this apparition.

Taunting Clotheshorse-Perhaps the least frightening ghost ever identified by ISBA investigators, and certainly the vainest, the Clotheshorse is a spirit that obsesses over fashionable attire, but being dead it tends to fail to keep up with the times.  ISBA field agent Harry Kiwis has attested that the spirit is easily offended by living beings with no relative fashion sense, but has all the threat potential of, "a Scooby Doo villain."

You Fail Halloween Forever

Stranger Things
Did you see it?  Maybe you did.  I did.  I enjoyed it.  It had its flaws, because everything does, but it was a good series.  Okay, the D&D was wrong.  And they broke their own rules with Eleven when she flipped the van, but it was a nice piece of nostalgia.  
So naturally I was horrified when I found THESE TRAGEDIES on an internet Halloween store outlet.  Prepare yourselves for the Stranger Things Shitstorm (Category 5):

First up we have 5, count them, 5 different variations for "Eleven".  Now to be fair I'm only showing you the adult costume options because you don't need to see smaller variations of costumes.  That said, this is *%#ing creepy.  This isn't like an adult dressing up as Elmo, which has a sort of subversive vibe to it.  No, no.  This is weirdo child cosplay.  
A and B are basically two variations of the same costume, one in short sleeves and the other in long sleeves.  Regardless of sleeve length, this thing is going to run you $40, and that does not include the socks.  They are sold separately.  Shit thee not.  Maybe you'd prefer to add a jacket (option C)?  That will be another $35.  For the purists that really want the look.  Of course if you are not a blonde girl you are going to need a wig.  Any blond medium length wig should do, but you want that Stranger Things official logo, don't you, freak?  $17.00 please for option D.  
Or would you like to be pre-escape Eleven?  Option E comes with a hospital gown and head apparatus for $35.00.  Supply your own socks.
Next up...

For all of you who have always wanted to be Winona Ryder for Halloween, it's the Joyce "costume".  See how I used quotes there?  Yeah.  So let's be honest, it's not really a costume.  You are expected to supply your own pants, shoes, and shirt, but you can purchase an official "general store shirt" so you can look somewhat like Winona for $27.00.  Of course if you don't have the hair, you'll need a wig.  So $17 for that, and I suppose you want the ax too, so pony up another 10 bucks.  You still end up having to explain yourself because the costume simply doesn't read as anything but a crazy check out clerk.  If you were really committed to the Winona angle you'd just steal them, you know.

But you don't want to be Winona.  Nope, you want to dip into a more esoteric character who was knocked off in the first few episodes.  Yep, you want to be BARB!  This is where I really start to become frustrated.  Look at the picture again.  THIS IS NOT A COSTUME.  It's clothing.  It's clothing in an early 80s style.  You could go to your mom's closet, or a thrift store, and get these items.  $35 gets you a shirt.  You have to supply your own mom jeans and flats.  You still won't be Barb without the $17 wig and $8 glasses.  So assuming you have the jeans and shoes, you are into this costume for $60.  Is it worth $60 to have to explain yourself to people?  Do you know how much candy you can get for $60?
But what about the guys?  Is this exclusively a female costuming bonanza, this Stranger Things official costume line?
Why, of course not.

We remember that the characters in the show included a conflicted sheriff and a group of young boys that do not play D&D correctly and a creepy voyeuristic outcast.  Naturally you want to be an adult playing a small boy in the early 80s who's clothing is essentially a t-shirt and pants.  Laaazzzyyy.
Jim Hopper (top left) is actually a costume.  Friends, that is a complete costume, with hat, badge, and belt all for $60.  You have to provide your own footwear and 10 bucks gets you a fully functional Hawkins Police logo coffee mug that even says "Hopper".  If you wear this costume at least people will get that you are being a cop.  Of course they might think you are Rick Grimes, because, well, look at it.  You might have to punch them in the face.
From that bright spot it just descends into mediocrity (at best).  Dustin Henderson wig?  Will Byers wig?  Again you are going to spend your time explaining yourself.  That's quite a waste of dosh to not actually be in a costume.  It's Halloween!  Monsters, ghosts, and, sadly, slutty nurses.  Weirdo pre-teen is a creepy costume choice, and not in a good way.
All of this has been to prepare you for the true travesty.  Look below if you have the courage and the sanity left...

Yes.  That's a phone.  Or the receiver of a phone since a phone requires both that and a large, heavier bit with a rotary dial or buttons.  You could probably find one cheaper at a junk store.  
Alphabet Wall shirt.  Don't spend the extra $7 for a Christmas light necklace and you will officially be NOT in costume.  If you think you will have to explain yourself as Joyce (well correct people that think you are just a crazy, burned-out Wal Mart employee), wear the AW shirt and see what happens.  This is a poor merchandising move, is what I am saying.  It's not in the spirit of the funnest of holidays.  
Wearing such costumes will, at best, get you recognized by a small clique of individuals, but more likely people will think you are just wearing old clothes or couldn't be bothered to dress up.  You could save lots of cash by following this simple tip: thrift store.

GO TO GOODWILL.  The 80s clothes are cheaper and the money goes to good causes.  Just saying.

Keep your pumpkins lit (and wear a real costume).

My Favorite Costume of All Time

We've been talking about zombies a lot this year, so let's take a breather and discuss my favorite Halloween costume idea of all time.

THE SHEET GHOST!

OH SHEET!  A GHOST!

I love it.

The sheet ghost is one of what I call the classics, along with witch, pirate, hobo, and Dracula (not vampire, Dracula).  Of course ghosts are quite hard to do well because the generally accepted principle is that they are see-through.  People don't do see-through very well being quite opaque.  That's why we need a visual symbol of ghostliness.

We've talked about it before of course.  We discussed the Glorious History of the Bedsheet Ghost and we discussed To Ghost or Not To Ghost.  This is not new territory we are treading.  This is nostalgia.

In Glorious History we talked about the bedsheet being a burial shroud and why that is so, and in To Ghost we talked about the troubles of not being able to become translucent.  Is it even worth revisiting here?

I think so.

When you are doing a ghost costume you tend toward white, off-white, eggshell, maybe a pale blue.  These are the ghost colors.  A little glowing green can also be in the mix.  It's no good just putting on white Dockers and a t-shirt however.  For whatever reason ghosts are old.  Victorian era is a good ghost era.  White, glowing, out-of-date fashions, these things all scream ghost.  Take this fellow below, very Haunted Mansion, very spiffy...but the footwear?  Why not just get some boot toppers and kill me now?

Shame about the shoes, Frank.

Which is why the bedsheet and variations of it are so good.  Even if there has never actually been a sheet ghost seen, it is a cultural phenomenon.  We see it and we say, "Oh a ghost" and that's what we need for the brief seconds we have to make an impression.

The bedsheet ghost also holds up to scrutiny.  It's so minimalist that there is really nothing to scrutinize.  That's how you deal with scrutiny.  Have nothing over which one may be called out.

And it's dead cheap.  

These puns come for free people.  If you aren't satisfied the Pumpkin offers a conditional money back guarantee.  Just send in the unused portion of the article with your receipt and a SASE envelope and your refund will arrive in 4 to 6 weeks.

Okay, I'm really not sure how I feel about the trio of ghostly figures above.  Available from fine Halloween outlets such as Spirit Halloween, it looks to me like a group of ghost nuns.  They're animatronic, so they shake and whatnot.

On the other hand we have this pair I called Spooked and Spooky.  I don't quite know why the addition of a witch's hat and a pumpkin bucket is so cute, but darn it all, it just is.  Plus look at his mixed up eyes and the frightened face on the jack o lantern.  Darn it.  That's cute.  The other one has scary eyes and squiggly mouth, and his narrow tapering shape lends a spook factor, but he's still pretty much a cartoon character.  Now these aren't bedsheets, but it's the image we are going for when we don the bed sheet and they are obviously ghosts.

A trio of good commercially available costume choices

Wraiths of all kinds, my friends.  The above collection of costumes that you can purchase at your local outlets all make nice choices.  I'm partial to B, the child's classic ghost.  I like that the jeans and shoes are visible, since it's really a nostalgia costume.  Note the clever "patches" on the sheet.  Bonus for the jack-o bucket.  A is going for fright, and the lack of visible shoes plus the chain provide a grown up bedsheet haunter.  C is a mixed bag, really.  The molded skull visage, discernible up close but featureless at a distance reads quite spooky and the tatters provide that diaphanous ghostly look, especially as it fades to nothingness on the way to the floor.  The black shoes are forgiven here as you are meant to not look at them at all, and they provide a sharp contrast to the white of the ghost.

Aha!  The return of the Lantern Ghost!   I feel obliged to tell you that the costume was found with the label Adult Spooky Ghost Costume.  There is a children's version as well.  Also I must tell you that the actual costume consists of a robe and pair of gloves.  The chain lantern is a prop that must be purchased separately, but it really sells it and sets it apart from other simple bedsheets.  Thus do I recommend the lantern.  It does look pretty good, and kind of spooky.  It's not as glorious as a bed sheet from the linen cupboard, but that's what you get when you go commercial.  Lack of facial features a definite plus.  Maybe we should look into that.

Another Celtic Pumpkin Guide Card!  Clip and Save for your Personal Files!

Ghost anatomy, reference it often in your own costume selecting or, should you feel so foolish brave, ghost hunting activities.

And let's play it out with our last two selections.  On the left we have an adult costume which lights up and is called a Wailing Spirit costume.  I am going to assume it is due to all those damned souls on the chest.  I think it's nice, but we've stepped away from our classic bed sheet look at this point.  On the right a very nicely designed child's costume.  It has a molded rib cage and skull half-mask, but with the tatters and folded pointy hood, it's still recognizable as a ghost of some kind.  It's really the evolution of the bed sheet at work, and note the absence of the distracting black shoes.  That alone is worth the praise, I say.
What we've seen here tells us that we have a lot of choice in ghost looks.  I purposefully avoided providing the all-too-human looking options, which amount mainly to white clothes and pale makeup.  That's fine and stylish, and if you want a "sexy" option that's really the way to go.  I mean, you could take a bed sheet, two giant balloons, belt the sheet to allow the balloons to push out the chest and slap some lipstick on your sheet's face...but seriously don't do that.  Just, no.  You can purchase any Halloween store's ghost choices and you will be in good shape, or you can just grab a sheet, cut some eyes into it (careful with the scissors there, Charlie Brown), and viola, you have a cheap and effective ghost costume.  The amount of effort is up to you and your vision, but you can't beat a classic in my book.

Spooky ghost mascot says, "Woooo-ooohhhh, oooohhhh, faallashsaaworoo".  Which of course means, "Keep your pumpkins lit".  Or don't, since that scares away ghosts.  He might just be complaining.

WTFZ

What The F@#$ Zombie?
We've seen many zombie costume ideas this year, but as with any trend there are things that make you scratch your head and wonder available out there.  Sometimes they work, but sometimes you are left feeling that the designer missed the class where they teach ironic juxtaposition in joke telling.  Sometimes we have the surreal, and that's good for its own reasons.  Then sometimes we have zombie fruit.

Here we have a Zombie Banana.  It's weird, I'll give it that.  Grab this little one piece slip over number and pair it with basic black for a zombie banana.  A banana that stalks.  Note the brain.  Just living fruit (okay, I realize plants are alive, don't be so pedantic) with facial features is already pretty cool for a costume concept, but in this case we've just taken one thing and stuck ZOMBIE on it to get your 49 bucks.  
Who's that, Death Doler?  I see your brought a friend.  Zombie Penguin!
Ahhh, shit...ahhh, he's got a tie!
Now here's that great example of surrealism I was talking about up top.  Penguins are birds in tuxedos.  Get it?  So it has a bow tie.  That's a nice touch.  It's actually a decent little number, but I'd give extra points for flipper feet.  I know, penguin's don't have swim fins for feet, but go have a look at a penguin's feet and tell me if a pair of black shoes is a better choice than some yellow swim fins.  Ah ha, that's what I thought.
Rick Grimes Bath Robe: The true WTF of this picture.  So many things come to mind.  Why a bathrobe?  Why in a Halloween catalog?  To what sort of party is this guy going?  (Actually, we don't want to ask or know, do we?)  I implore you, if you have money to burn and you are just dying for an official Rick Grimes Walking Dead bathrobe, with simulated wounds and badges and logo on the back...start doing drugs.  Just go ahead and start doing blow now.  You'll get much more out of it.  That guy in the picture...I just feel bad for him.  He's not happy.  He showed up for the photo shoot thinking, "All right!  I got the Grimes costume.  I've been going to Pilates, I've had my half-caff soy latte, I'm ready to roll" and they were like, "Go ahead and pop your clothes on the chair, your costume is behind the screen".  He comes out wearing the robe thinking it's a courtesy robe and asks where the costume is, and they say, "Good, good, but lose the socks".
It's a shit game, modeling.

A horse is a horse, of course, of course...
"What, Rook, you don't like the animal masks?" you ask.
Neigh, I say.  I like them fine.  
There is something simple and fun about them.  I'm not attacking this mask.  I'm saying it causes one to do a bit of a double take, but that's a good thing, yes?  It doesn't require explanation, but man is it disturbing.  If you get invited to a party and the theme is zombies (or you want to go on a Zombie Walk, and I don't know why you would do that, but to each his own) a zombie horse mask is a very nice spanner in the works.  You have met the theme requirement and still managed to be different.  And disturbing.  Bonus points if you can get a friend to dress up as a zombie jockey or cowboy and piggyback into the party.
Okay, I've been saving this one for last...

"Blaaarrgggh boogity blah!"

The PIZZA FIEND!
Full disclosure, when I first saw this mask on the internet I balked.  I thought it was ridiculous; all the more because it came up in a "zombie" search.  Monster, absolutely.  Zombie?  It has an Ed "Big Daddy" Roth vibe to it.  (Ask your parents, kids).
Which is why, I suspect, it started to grow on me.
I see so much potential for this mask.  Get one of those stereotypical Chef Boyardee/Mario Batali shirts, a pizza cutter...oh yeah...I've done a mock up for you for inspiration:

Oh baby. 
Zombie or not, the Pizza Fiend has to be a part of your Halloween.  

Zombie on and keep your pumpkins lit!