My Favorite Witch Hunter

Have I mentioned the Witch Hunter thing before?  The fascination with the hats?  I don't know, maybe I haven't.  Okay, I have, here.

Just a reminder of the typical witch hunter look

The sorts of witch hunters you see in gaming and such are often of the Hopkins variety with tall hats and pistols and such.  My favorite, however, was Giles Redferne as played by Richard E. Grant in the 1989 (cult) classic Warlock.  The story should be familiar to everyone by now.  An evil warlock from the 17th century is transported to the 20th century (from Massachusetts to LA, no less) by Satan to find the Grand Grimoire, put it together and unmake creation.  Redferne is a hunter that follows him to the 20th century and with the help of a local gal named Kassandra they save the world.  Pretty normal stuff.

Our Subject

Why I like Redferne is a mixture of the costume, the writing, and the performance that Grant turns in.  The film is a bit camp, which is good in my book, and with Julian Sands doing his villainous best (Skeletor would be proud) they make an excellent dichotomy.  Part of Redferne's charm, to me at least, is that he's portrayed as a woodsman (so, ranger in essence) with a personal grudge against the Warlock (we are now capitalizing because the character has no other name).  If you can hunt wolves and bears, you can certainly hunt a man.  Redferne also displays a vast knowledge of magical lore himself, including bits of folk magic he uses to counter the evil of the Warlock.  For example using brass keys to counter and cure a spell that caused an old Mennonite farmer to bleed from the eyes.

In terms of weapons he comes to the 20th century carrying a leather whip, a dirk, and a weirdo S&M device that he uses to lock the Warlock's thumbs to his big toes to prevent him using magic.

Thumb locks...which also lock toes, but toe lock sounds like a crap wrestling move.

He also has a witch compass, which is the strange brass and wood device that points him in the general direction of his quarry when he puts his prey's blood into it.  You know, come to think of it, for a witch hunter, Redferne uses a fair bit of magic himself.

Setting up the witch compass

And then there's the weather vane.  Early in the film Redferne is astounded by Kassandra's container of salt.  "Witches loathe salt," he tells her.  However it is his adapting a fallen iron weather vane into an improvisational spear that really makes me grin.

Yes, that happened.

And that too.

I presume this kind of awesome needs no explanation.

Go, Redferne, go!
For the record, he stole the weather vane.  It was the Mennonite family's property, and he just kept it.  I'm sure grandpa didn't mind, what with the bleeding out of the eyes and all.  Maybe off screen he gifted it to Redferne, knowing the gravity of the mission.

Most witch hunters are presented as priest types, or as my previous article noted, Puritan Hat wearers.  They act like judges (okay, they are) not actual hunters.  Then along comes Giles Redferne and he actually is a fur clad hunter.  This is good stuff.
It's a way to play that ranger character you've never tried before, elf boy.  None of your Legolas bow antics and double scimitars here.  Hunting humans.

One of these things is not like the other, one of these things just doesn't belong...

If you've never seen the film, I urge you to check it out.

I do sometimes wonder if he was actually present at the trial as expert testimony or arresting officer.  It started off quite official.  His dialog demonstrated a respect for law and order.  He was quite willing to watch the Warlock hang for his crimes...until they got to the 20th century and then it was a witch killing free-for-all.

Keep your pumpkins lit.

Interview With The Paladin-Bonus Content

BONUS CONTENT

As a special favor to me, Flennetar the Paladin agreed to a short interview.  My assumption that everyone would know what a paladin is might have been unwarranted, so I asked Flen if he would consent to giving us all behind the scenes details.  He was obliging, so here it is.

CP: Flennetar, thanks so much for this interview.

Flennetar: You're mighty welcome, noble scribe.  Where should we begin?
CP: Perhaps you could tell us all a little bit about yourself.  Firstly, you are a paladin.  What is that like?
Flennetar: I enjoy it.  Righting wrongs, smiting evil, delving dungeons to find lost treasures, then donating them to the local orphanages.  It's a full life.

CP: Now you are what they call an "Old School" paladin.  What does that mean, really?
Flennetar: I'd say I'm the "oldest school" paladin, if you follow.  Ha ha.  Really that means I'm a knight.  See the armor?  Knight.  None of your holy warrior business for me, laddie.  Clerics are holy warriors.  I'm a righteous stomper of evil.  Lawful Good for life!

CP: So you don't have any special evil fighting powers then?

Flennetar: Well sure, I mean, I do have a few "buffs" I believe they are called.  Never get sick.  That's quite a boon.  There you are in some fetid swamp hunting down a tribe of nefarious bullywugs and half the party comes down with dengue fever, but not old Flennetar.  Never get sick.  Ever.  Which is nice.  Then there's the whole detecting evil thing.  That's a bit tricky.

CP: So you can just detect evil?  Like a metal detector.  

Flennetar: I don't know what that is, but yes.  I detect it.  Then I smite it.

CP: You keep using that word, "smite".  Is this some sacred paladin ability?  How does it work?  Do you somehow add the force of your personality to a blow that harms evil things?
Flennetar: No.  That's stupid.  I hit it.  Hard.  With whatever I'm holding in my hand.  Preferably a sword.  

CP: So let me get this straight.  You see evil, then...

Flennetar: I smite the hell out of it.
CP: Okay, let's take another view.  Take me through your average day.
Flennetar:  Well I wake up and have a light breakfast, poached egg, some fruit, whole wheat toast, then calisthenics.  A quick bath and then I usually go into the dungeon.  Pretty standard really, find evil, smite the hell out of it, get loot.  Sometimes I find a person in need and do a quest.  Then it's supper and off to bed for a good night's sleep.  Then I wake up the next day and do it again.
CP: Doesn't that ever get boring to you?
Flennetar: We paladins have a saying, "When you are tired of smiting evil, you are tired of life."
CP: And are you?
Flennetar: Am I what?
CP: Tired of smiting evil.
Flennetar: Not on your life.  Some of your modern paladins get a bit confused about their role in life.  I've seen some of them that aren't even lawful good!  How the hell does that work?
CP: I've heard it said that paladins are good for dealing with undead, but otherwise they aren't up to even regular fighting man chores.  One person even told me that a fighter with a magic sword was much more useful and effective.  How do you feel about such claims?
Flennetar: CODSWALLOP!  These kids today wouldn't know a paladin if one of us came up and smote them on the arse.  A paladin is a fighting man, but so much more.  In my day you counted on plate armor, good steel, and smart dungeon crawling.  None of this adding light damage to your swings and taking a short rest.  Encounter power?  See this steel clad boot?  This encounters evil, right in the balls.  Faith, courage, a foot to the balls...that's how we dealt with evil.
CP: And a holy sword?
Flennetar: Well that goes without saying, but those are few and far between.  It's hard to come by a good holy sword.  You might destroy a hundred vile liches and never find one in your life, or you might be shaking down some hobgoblin bridge extortion scheme and there's a holy sword lying in a treasure pile.  Ah yes, luck of the dice and providence, that's the life of an adventurer, sir.
CP: Any final words of wisdom for the audience?
Flennetar: Drink your milk.  Strong bones are the foundation of a strong and noble body.  And when in doubt, smite.
CP: Thank you for your time.

Zombie Roundtable

Podcasts and such seem to be quite popular these days, but this is a blog with limited technical expertise, so rather than do a podcast, the Celtic Pumpkin management got a few experts together to discuss our topic of the season.  Please welcome to the Pumpkin Round Table Flennetar the paladin, all the way from the fantasy realm of Dungeon.

Thank you for having me.

And also welcome our other expert guest, you know him as the leader of the Wizards of Morcar, Cuspis the Highly Annoyed.

Hello everyone, nice to be here.

Our moderator is the original Celtic Pumpkin.

Lovely to be here.  Let's get started, shall we?

Flennetar, you are a paladin.  You smite evil and do good deeds all day long.  Cuspis, you are a wizard, in many ways the opposite end of the spectrum from Flennetar.  What we want to know is Zombies vs Ghosts.

What about them?

What do you mean, "What about them?"?

Just that.  Do you mean who would win in a fight?  My money's on the ghosts.  Sure, they are insubstantial, but zombies have no real intellect.  I think with a little creative effort the ghosts would take the zombies.  

Smite them both.  Smite the hell out of them.  When in doubt, smite.  

I have to say, Cuspis, I expected a bit more. 

Well it's not a well-defined question.  

Actually it wasn't even a question.  It was a statement.  Zombies vs Ghosts.  That's a declaration, not an interrogative.  

Aren't you a wizard?  An expert in matters arcane and such?

Yes, but I'm not a necromancer or anything.  I'm a High Mage.  If you wanted an expert you should have asked Pierre to come.

Ha!  Nice one.

He said he had a prior engagement.  Besides, what's the difference?

Oh, there's plenty of difference.  Necromancers are evil wizards that specialize in death and the undead, while Cuspis is obviously some kind of Arch-Wizard.

...

Thank you, Flennetar, but actually I'm a High Mage.

Which is?

I'm more of a facilitator of wizards.  It's like a management position really.  I measure the variables to synergize the disparate skills, abilities, and personalities of other wizards.  Then I engineer plans, rituals, and covens to suit the needs of the particular magical efforts in a way that maximizes outcomes while actualizing potentialities to overcome obstacles and create opportunities.

I thought you were the leader of the Wizards of Morcar, or something.

That's flattering, but heck no.  I manage the group, true, but each member is a highly valued part of the gestaltic whole that is the Wizards of Morcar.  It's an exciting occupation, I can tell you, especially with a client like Morcar.  I could tell you some stories.

I can't believe what I'm hearing right now.  So you three answered an ad in a wizard trade magazine or something?

Ha ha, not exactly, Gourd-o.  I knew Pierre from Wizard University.  We were on the wrestling team together.  Carl I had worked with on a previous job, the Goblin-Faerie War of Terrortree Forest...

I remember that war.  My adventuring party fought on the side of the faeries.  

Wait a minute.  Are you Flennetar the Flayer, Scourge of Goblinkind?  

The very same.  Wait, that would have been, say, 9 years ago...was that Carl the Lightning of Wrath, the famous stormlord?  Because that would mean you are Cuspis the Dry Toothpick to the Eye!

I haven't heard that name in a while.  How are you, Flen?  You nearly had me at the Battle of the Stump That Looks A Bit Like A Wang.  

Oh yes, that was quite a scuffle.  It was when I kicked that goblin at you...

...and you hit Flind right in the tits!  Oh, she was well pissed.  I thought she was going to burn down the forest.  Good thing she specializes in illusions and enchantments.

Flind?

Flind the Fetching

Flind the Floozy, more like.  Here I have a portrait of her in my scroll case.  Hang on...

Why is she called "Flind the Fletching"?  Or for that matter, "the Floozy"?

I should think that would be obvious.  Handy to have in a battle, serves as a great distraction, but she's a real witch otherwise.  Anyway, all wizards have to have an epithet.  It's just something you do.  Usually you pick it up in school, but that's often not the most flattering.  Pierre was known as Pierre the Pantywaist in undergrad studies.  I suspect that's why he went on to specialize in necromancy.  Then he was known as "That creepy French guy that plays with dead things", but never to his face.

Kids can be cruel.  Say, how did you go from being "The Dry Toothpick to the Eye" to "the Highly Annoyed" anyway?

You've clearly never met my co-workers.

I hate to break up this whole reunion thing, but the original topic still stands: Zombies vs Ghosts.  Final thoughts?

Oh yes.  Smite them.  Smite the hell out of them.  Turn them, burn them, smite them, and when in doubt, smite again.

Ghosts all the way.  Zombies are so last decade.

Thank you both, drive safely.  And thank you, ladies and gentlemen, for reading.  Until next time this is the Celtic Pumpkin saying "Keep your pumpkins lit and spay and neuter your homunculi."