Zombie Roundtable

Podcasts and such seem to be quite popular these days, but this is a blog with limited technical expertise, so rather than do a podcast, the Celtic Pumpkin management got a few experts together to discuss our topic of the season.  Please welcome to the Pumpkin Round Table Flennetar the paladin, all the way from the fantasy realm of Dungeon.

Thank you for having me.

And also welcome our other expert guest, you know him as the leader of the Wizards of Morcar, Cuspis the Highly Annoyed.

Hello everyone, nice to be here.

Our moderator is the original Celtic Pumpkin.

Lovely to be here.  Let's get started, shall we?

Flennetar, you are a paladin.  You smite evil and do good deeds all day long.  Cuspis, you are a wizard, in many ways the opposite end of the spectrum from Flennetar.  What we want to know is Zombies vs Ghosts.

What about them?

What do you mean, "What about them?"?

Just that.  Do you mean who would win in a fight?  My money's on the ghosts.  Sure, they are insubstantial, but zombies have no real intellect.  I think with a little creative effort the ghosts would take the zombies.  

Smite them both.  Smite the hell out of them.  When in doubt, smite.  

I have to say, Cuspis, I expected a bit more. 

Well it's not a well-defined question.  

Actually it wasn't even a question.  It was a statement.  Zombies vs Ghosts.  That's a declaration, not an interrogative.  

Aren't you a wizard?  An expert in matters arcane and such?

Yes, but I'm not a necromancer or anything.  I'm a High Mage.  If you wanted an expert you should have asked Pierre to come.

Ha!  Nice one.

He said he had a prior engagement.  Besides, what's the difference?

Oh, there's plenty of difference.  Necromancers are evil wizards that specialize in death and the undead, while Cuspis is obviously some kind of Arch-Wizard.

...

Thank you, Flennetar, but actually I'm a High Mage.

Which is?

I'm more of a facilitator of wizards.  It's like a management position really.  I measure the variables to synergize the disparate skills, abilities, and personalities of other wizards.  Then I engineer plans, rituals, and covens to suit the needs of the particular magical efforts in a way that maximizes outcomes while actualizing potentialities to overcome obstacles and create opportunities.

I thought you were the leader of the Wizards of Morcar, or something.

That's flattering, but heck no.  I manage the group, true, but each member is a highly valued part of the gestaltic whole that is the Wizards of Morcar.  It's an exciting occupation, I can tell you, especially with a client like Morcar.  I could tell you some stories.

I can't believe what I'm hearing right now.  So you three answered an ad in a wizard trade magazine or something?

Ha ha, not exactly, Gourd-o.  I knew Pierre from Wizard University.  We were on the wrestling team together.  Carl I had worked with on a previous job, the Goblin-Faerie War of Terrortree Forest...

I remember that war.  My adventuring party fought on the side of the faeries.  

Wait a minute.  Are you Flennetar the Flayer, Scourge of Goblinkind?  

The very same.  Wait, that would have been, say, 9 years ago...was that Carl the Lightning of Wrath, the famous stormlord?  Because that would mean you are Cuspis the Dry Toothpick to the Eye!

I haven't heard that name in a while.  How are you, Flen?  You nearly had me at the Battle of the Stump That Looks A Bit Like A Wang.  

Oh yes, that was quite a scuffle.  It was when I kicked that goblin at you...

...and you hit Flind right in the tits!  Oh, she was well pissed.  I thought she was going to burn down the forest.  Good thing she specializes in illusions and enchantments.

Flind?

Flind the Fetching

Flind the Floozy, more like.  Here I have a portrait of her in my scroll case.  Hang on...

Why is she called "Flind the Fletching"?  Or for that matter, "the Floozy"?

I should think that would be obvious.  Handy to have in a battle, serves as a great distraction, but she's a real witch otherwise.  Anyway, all wizards have to have an epithet.  It's just something you do.  Usually you pick it up in school, but that's often not the most flattering.  Pierre was known as Pierre the Pantywaist in undergrad studies.  I suspect that's why he went on to specialize in necromancy.  Then he was known as "That creepy French guy that plays with dead things", but never to his face.

Kids can be cruel.  Say, how did you go from being "The Dry Toothpick to the Eye" to "the Highly Annoyed" anyway?

You've clearly never met my co-workers.

I hate to break up this whole reunion thing, but the original topic still stands: Zombies vs Ghosts.  Final thoughts?

Oh yes.  Smite them.  Smite the hell out of them.  Turn them, burn them, smite them, and when in doubt, smite again.

Ghosts all the way.  Zombies are so last decade.

Thank you both, drive safely.  And thank you, ladies and gentlemen, for reading.  Until next time this is the Celtic Pumpkin saying "Keep your pumpkins lit and spay and neuter your homunculi."