Are you getting worried yet?
Received any strange texts or calls that mysteriously hang up on you?
It could be because you persist in delving into the secrets of the ISBA, but friends the truth must come to light!
Read on! Read on bravely!
Phadtom- This type of spirit may look like a Viking ghost, but that is merely it's current manifestation. The Johnny-Come-Lately of the spirit world, the Faddish Phantom, or Phadtom, is a recurring phantasm that appears as whatever is currently the in thing in the public consciousness. As the psychokinetic manifestation is drawn from the surface thoughts of the human consciousness it is often completely out of place, such as a Viking ghost found in Texas, a state of the Union that categorically never had a Norse visitor. As Frank Farkle, ISBA field investigator notes, "If it was Minnesota, I might be convinced, but this is just a hipster douche ghost with no sense of style." Field reports have noted the overwhelming scent of disaffected desparation preceding the arrival of the spirit.
Bulging Groper-First identified by ISBA field investigator
Frank Farkle while on assignment with ISBA scribe Jonas Spaltezahn, ISBA
associate Debbie “Double D” Danforth, and ISBA associate Becky “Booty Shorts”
Lopez. During a night hunt for the
“Pelham Abbey Apparition” Danforth and Lopez both described feeling cold, bony
hands about their persons. Unfortunately
the night vision gear failed to operate properly, perhaps due to spiritual
interference, thus the ladies could not confirm the presence. Farkle described seeing “a pair of staring
eyes and bony hands” on or about the private parts of the ladies. To date no other ISBA member has encountered
this spirit. When ISBA field investigator Gertrude Frump expressed her desire to meet with the spirit personally, Farkle was heard to mutter, "keep dreamin', sister".
Slapping
Corrector- Originally identified by ISBA field agent Tina Sidhe while on
special assignment with ISBA scribe Jonas Spaltezahn and field investigator
Frank Farkle. While investigating the
famed “Tuckwhistle Haunting” Sidhe was struck forcefully across the face during
an EVP session. As she was employing no
night vision gear and the room was completely dark, she did not see the spirit,
but she said it must have been fully manifested as she felt the blow
terribly. Farkle could not confirm this
event as he had left his station to answer the call of nature, but suggested
that “psychic energies were likely very high in the place” due to what he
described as residual emotional psychokinetic surges as a result of “heightened
emotions no doubt a result of a spirited discussion about the personal integrity of the Founding Fathers”. Sidhe noted that the spirit did have the
lingering odor of “patriarchy”, which she later described as bourbon, cigar smoke,
and old spice. The EVP evidence
including the faint sounds of, “shut your mouth, hussy” was sadly lost when
Farkle was degaussing some older media.
Creepy Toucher-First identified by ISBA associate Wilma Trout, the Creepy Toucher is tentatively named, as it may be a variation of the Sniggering Poop Finger, a spirit first identified by ISBA field investigator Frank Farkle while investigating the haunted bedroom of the Guildford family mansion with Trout. Trout based her identification on the previous investigation where she lay in the haunted bedroom in the pitch dark and attempted "somnolent psychic contact" with the potential entity. During the Guildford investigation Trout described feeling, "spidery fingers lingering around her face, then feeling a dampness under her nose and a smell like feces after dollar wings and beer night at the Endzone bar and grill". Farkle described a dark, eyeless form with an over-sized grin that had just stuck its finger into its nether regions. Due to technical difficulties the night vision cameras failed to confirm Farkle's identification.
Larry-Everyone knows Larry.
And that's all we have. I've undergone great personal risk to bring you this information, so please, keep your pumpkins lit.
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