You Fail Halloween Forever

Stranger Things
Did you see it?  Maybe you did.  I did.  I enjoyed it.  It had its flaws, because everything does, but it was a good series.  Okay, the D&D was wrong.  And they broke their own rules with Eleven when she flipped the van, but it was a nice piece of nostalgia.  
So naturally I was horrified when I found THESE TRAGEDIES on an internet Halloween store outlet.  Prepare yourselves for the Stranger Things Shitstorm (Category 5):

First up we have 5, count them, 5 different variations for "Eleven".  Now to be fair I'm only showing you the adult costume options because you don't need to see smaller variations of costumes.  That said, this is *%#ing creepy.  This isn't like an adult dressing up as Elmo, which has a sort of subversive vibe to it.  No, no.  This is weirdo child cosplay.  
A and B are basically two variations of the same costume, one in short sleeves and the other in long sleeves.  Regardless of sleeve length, this thing is going to run you $40, and that does not include the socks.  They are sold separately.  Shit thee not.  Maybe you'd prefer to add a jacket (option C)?  That will be another $35.  For the purists that really want the look.  Of course if you are not a blonde girl you are going to need a wig.  Any blond medium length wig should do, but you want that Stranger Things official logo, don't you, freak?  $17.00 please for option D.  
Or would you like to be pre-escape Eleven?  Option E comes with a hospital gown and head apparatus for $35.00.  Supply your own socks.
Next up...

For all of you who have always wanted to be Winona Ryder for Halloween, it's the Joyce "costume".  See how I used quotes there?  Yeah.  So let's be honest, it's not really a costume.  You are expected to supply your own pants, shoes, and shirt, but you can purchase an official "general store shirt" so you can look somewhat like Winona for $27.00.  Of course if you don't have the hair, you'll need a wig.  So $17 for that, and I suppose you want the ax too, so pony up another 10 bucks.  You still end up having to explain yourself because the costume simply doesn't read as anything but a crazy check out clerk.  If you were really committed to the Winona angle you'd just steal them, you know.

But you don't want to be Winona.  Nope, you want to dip into a more esoteric character who was knocked off in the first few episodes.  Yep, you want to be BARB!  This is where I really start to become frustrated.  Look at the picture again.  THIS IS NOT A COSTUME.  It's clothing.  It's clothing in an early 80s style.  You could go to your mom's closet, or a thrift store, and get these items.  $35 gets you a shirt.  You have to supply your own mom jeans and flats.  You still won't be Barb without the $17 wig and $8 glasses.  So assuming you have the jeans and shoes, you are into this costume for $60.  Is it worth $60 to have to explain yourself to people?  Do you know how much candy you can get for $60?
But what about the guys?  Is this exclusively a female costuming bonanza, this Stranger Things official costume line?
Why, of course not.

We remember that the characters in the show included a conflicted sheriff and a group of young boys that do not play D&D correctly and a creepy voyeuristic outcast.  Naturally you want to be an adult playing a small boy in the early 80s who's clothing is essentially a t-shirt and pants.  Laaazzzyyy.
Jim Hopper (top left) is actually a costume.  Friends, that is a complete costume, with hat, badge, and belt all for $60.  You have to provide your own footwear and 10 bucks gets you a fully functional Hawkins Police logo coffee mug that even says "Hopper".  If you wear this costume at least people will get that you are being a cop.  Of course they might think you are Rick Grimes, because, well, look at it.  You might have to punch them in the face.
From that bright spot it just descends into mediocrity (at best).  Dustin Henderson wig?  Will Byers wig?  Again you are going to spend your time explaining yourself.  That's quite a waste of dosh to not actually be in a costume.  It's Halloween!  Monsters, ghosts, and, sadly, slutty nurses.  Weirdo pre-teen is a creepy costume choice, and not in a good way.
All of this has been to prepare you for the true travesty.  Look below if you have the courage and the sanity left...

Yes.  That's a phone.  Or the receiver of a phone since a phone requires both that and a large, heavier bit with a rotary dial or buttons.  You could probably find one cheaper at a junk store.  
Alphabet Wall shirt.  Don't spend the extra $7 for a Christmas light necklace and you will officially be NOT in costume.  If you think you will have to explain yourself as Joyce (well correct people that think you are just a crazy, burned-out Wal Mart employee), wear the AW shirt and see what happens.  This is a poor merchandising move, is what I am saying.  It's not in the spirit of the funnest of holidays.  
Wearing such costumes will, at best, get you recognized by a small clique of individuals, but more likely people will think you are just wearing old clothes or couldn't be bothered to dress up.  You could save lots of cash by following this simple tip: thrift store.

GO TO GOODWILL.  The 80s clothes are cheaper and the money goes to good causes.  Just saying.

Keep your pumpkins lit (and wear a real costume).