What Is That Wizard Doing (and When Is He Doing It)?

We are skipping ahead again as book 7 just had a werewolf on the cover.  Werewolves are cool and all, but that's all it was.  It wasn't a werewolf menacing either of the protagonists.

Conquest of the Time Master is the 8th book and we have both the Wizard and the Warrior (but not You as You are assumed to be one of the twain at any given time).  The heroes face off against the evil Time Master, so there's time travel.  If you name a book Conquest of the Time Master, you expect to have a cover illustration that sums up time travel and there you have it, a bloody dinosaur.
Our heroes are standing on a bit of rock (a common enough motif, to be sure) and there is a slavering allosaurus.  The Warrior is doing what we expect of him in every case, sword arm cocked back in mid-swing, shield up to protect himself but of course we want to know just what in the hell is that wizard doing?
Sadly this is a common pose for the Wizard, isn't it?  Cloak billowing, arms outstretched and...nothing.  No magic sparkles, no lighting bolts, no weird smokey energies; he's just going, "Ahh, shit, a dinosaur!  Yes, I know I've ridden dragons but this is a damn dinosaur!  Do something, my old friend!"
Oh he looks very regal in his usual magic pose, but we have none of his usual visual effects leading me to believe that what the Wizard is doing is acting all imperious and giving orders.  Of course when faced with a massive carnivore that could snap you up and end you in one bite, it makes little sense for the guy in the robe to be leading the charge.
As usual, the Wizard is relying on his reputation as a manipulator of mystical forces by posturing rather than actually doing anything.  I'm sure his master trained him in all the right poses and such as an integral part of his apprenticeship.
A nice cover, to be sure, but our boy the Wizard is not showing much after his glorious start riding a dragon and his magical zombie duel.  I expect better, sir.

What Is That Wizard Doing: Special Edition

Today's What Is That Wizard Doing is a special edition because it is actually What Is That Warrior Doing.
The Sixth book of the series, Revenge of the Falcon Knight, featured the Warrior on both the US and UK covers.  The Wizard was nowhere to be seen, but both covers are excellent examples of fantasy art and I wanted to make a point or two, so here goes.  First the US edition:

And now the UK edition:

And Now: What in the hell is that Warrior doing?
I presume you can see that the Warrior is bravely doing battle with not one, but two enraged crocodiles (or alligators- I can never tell the difference and to be honest when they are trying to eat you, I don't think positive identification is your main problem).  That's a bit heroic, is it not?  He's going to have to polish that armor and oil it up when this is all over because rust is a significant problem.
Now down in the UK edition the Warrior is bravely facing some unholy crossbreed of a tiger and a cobra.  I defy you to tell me that such is not the stuff of which fantasy badassness is made.
This UK edition is what we expect from a fantasy cover.  I don't know if that is in the book and I don't care because that is the sort of cover that makes you buy a book.  What is the Warrior doing?
Winning.

However, a bigger question springs to my mind and it is the other point I wanted to make: Why can't we see his face?
Many of these type of gamebooks are written in the second person so that you, the reader, can be fully immersed in the story.  In J.H. Brennan's Grailquest series the protagonist, Pip, is a body for your mind to inhabit.  Pip's features are never shown, nor is Pip's gender ever revealed.  In this way you can be immersed.  In some books you are taking a predetermined role (Dever's Lone Wolf series, for example) and thus the protagonist has a name, a look, and you are allowed to see it.  Wizards Warriors & You walks the line between the two types.  The Wizard and the Warrior don't have actual names.  The books are written in second person.  Yet they are established characters with a background and a look.  We see the Wizard's face all the time.  The Warrior's face is never revealed to us.  Even in the interior illustrations his face is always in shadow, such as when his visor is lifted.  Why?
There is, logically, no good reason to make the Warrior a faceless avatar for the reader but give the Wizard a set of features we can recognize.  Oh, yeah, I know, we don't know the Wizard's hair color.  That's hardly the same thing.  We don't know if either of them are circumcised either, but is that a major identifying mark?  Does that destroy immersion?

I hope you enjoyed this brief interlude and if anyone can get a positive ID on the Warrior, inform your local authorities.

And NOW What Is That Wizard Doing?

I'm skipping the 4th book because there is no Wizard on the cover to go to the real gem of the series, in my opinion, The Haunted Castle of Ravencurse!
A great little tale where the titular Wizard and Warrior must go to rob an old haunted castle because the King is going broke.  Yeah, it's a classic dungeon crawl plot, but it also involves a haunted castle, so that's always a bonus.  Even getting to the castle, as I recall, was a chore.  The British cover featured the Warrior facing down a cyclops, which is boring.  The American cover however...

Ha ha!  Zombies!  This book was published in 1985, before the whole Zombie Phenom, which needs to go away something fierce.
And now the question of the day: What the hell is that wizard doing?
Short answer: fighting a magical duel with a zombie king.
He's front, he's not quite center, he's weaving some strange smokey magical power and there's the zombie king doing the same.  I suppose he could be a lich, but the text clearly called him a zombie.  This deserves a closer look:

See the other zombies behind him?  Yeah, he brought an army.

And here is the Wizard in close up.  Is that worry I see on his face?
This is not a time for sparkles, I think you'd agree.  Our boy is clearly dealing with something that a simple sparkle or a lighting bolt can't handle.
I have also come to the rather obvious conclusion that no matter where the Wizard is, it's pretty windy.  His cloak is always in full dramatic billow.  Maybe this is one of those things he learned from his master while he was an apprentice.  A simple effect, billow cloak, a cantrip really, but every wizard knows that magic is pretty dull without a bit of theatrics to spice it up.

So the answer to our question, What in the hell is that Wizard doing?--Wishing he was a cleric.

Now What Is That Wizard Doing?

Today we look at WW&Y book 3, Who Kidnapped Princess Saralinda to see what the Wizard is up to.

Well, first full disclosure: I never read this book either, but the plot synopsis says that Henry's daughter is to marry in a political alliance but goes missing and you, dear reader, are to take on the role of the Wiz or the War and search the castle for her.
Got it.
But that does not answer our question, which is, of course, just what in the hell in the Wizard doing here?
Following up his awesome dragon riding appearance with the lightning bolts he's just sort of standing there, making sparkles.  He looks grim and is he aware of the monstrous shadow?  I'm going to assume he is and he's making a smokey princess illusion to...scare the monster?  She looks like she's from a soap opera, does she not?
Clearly this sparkle dropping is great magic since some infernal wind is blowing his cloak all Batman-like about him.  This is that subtle wizardry we are always hearing about.  Either that or he's just run of out good spells and figures, "What the hell, I'll summon a frightening giant lady to scare away the monster."
Fear the alabaster skin and ruby lips of my giant woman, oh fiend from the pit!

If you are the observant type, you might remember this image from somewhere, like as though it was stolen and modified.

I claim innocence.
I think it is also possible that the Wizard realized he was getting a starring spot on the cover this time, full image and just wanted to strike a great pose and he thought nothing says it like glitter.

What Is That Wizard Doing?

You might remember when I talked about reading gamebooks in my youth, specifically Wizards Warriors & You.  If not go HERE.  Then come back.  Brief recap: You read the book, it offers you choices, you turn to the numbered sections that correspond to your choices and the plot unfolds.  Sometimes you have to flip a coin or answer a riddle.

This is what I was doing when normal kids were playing sports and developing social skills.

In the series the reader chose to be either the Wizard or the Warrior of Good King Henry.  Thus you could read each book twice and get a different story depending on the protagonist you chose.  This unnamed Wizard and Warrior were best friends and general troubleshooters for said King Henry in what is probably an England that never really existed.

I would always read both versions, the Wizard and the Warrior, but my youthful inclinations were always toward the Warrior first because I had yet to appreciate the truly awesome awsemosity of the wizard in general.  The cover art, at least in the American editions, tended to feature the Wizard more often than the Warrior and while I didn't get to read every book in the series, I do enjoy reviewing the covers via the magic of the internet.  As often happens in a book situation the cover does not, necessarily, depict accurately what is going to happen in the pages contained within.  

Which brings me to my point.

What in the hell is the Wizard doing here?

The Siege of the Dragonriders was the second book in the series and the first to feature the Wizard on the cover, the first having featured the Warrior in both the American and British editions.  So the question is, what in the hell is the Wizard doing here?  He's riding a dragon and shooting lightning.  And the dragon seems to be breathing some rather weak looking fire.  But why?  I assume, having not read it, that it is simply because riding a dragon and shooting lighting is pretty badass.  What's the point in being a wizard if you can't ride a dragon and shoot lightning from your fingertips?

I notice also that the Wizard in the logo is wearing green and looks much less impressive.  Still, riding a dragon, shooting lightning which is never going to reach that castle, you have to ask why he's using up the badass points with no one to see him.

Just for comparison's sake, that's the British edition, featuring the Warrior fighting a dragon.  Not nearly as badass, but where's our buddy the Wizard?

Off riding a dragon and shooting lightning like the cover of some 80s heavy metal album, that's where.

A Ghost With A Lantern

I was looking at some old D&D stuff and I came across this image in the AD&D 1st edition Monster Manual.

It's a ghost.
That is the illustration for the ghost entry, I mean.  So you have this ghost, running about in what I assume is a graveyard from the faint images behind it, and it's carrying a lantern.  This struck me as odd.  Why would the ghost be carrying a lantern?  Can it not see in the dark?  Note that the handle of the lantern can be seen through the ghost's translucent fingers (unless I'm imaging it), so that means it is an actual lantern, not a ghost lantern.
Is this something a player can leverage?  Like, we don't want to carry torches because then we can't carry a weapon and a shield and you can't cast spells holding a torch and the thief certainly doesn't want the light when she's all hiding in shadows, so let's hire a ghost, they carry lanterns.
Curiosity getting the better of me, I read the entry on ghost, to see if there was something about this lantern.  Nada.
Zip.
Zilch.
I did learn that ghosts just flat out age people 10 years unless they make a saving throw (and in 1st edition any Cleric above 6th level was immune to it).  And that they all attack with a magic jar spell to attempt possession.  Failing that they semi-materialize and start wailing on people.
This is one of those things that youngsters, spoiled by their more modern editions always fail to appreciate.  Undead would seriously hurt you in the old days.  Age you, drain your levels, and other nastiness, and they were almost always impossible to hurt without a bit of magic.  This is why the Cleric's Turn Undead ability was actually useful.
Magic Jar was one of those spells that seemed to exist to give the game flavor.  It's almost never used by PCs because it is almost unusable.  First the wizard has to get a gem or something, this is the "jar" in question, and put his soul into it.  Then when something living comes near the gem the soul inside can attempt to possess the body, effectively booting the owner's soul out, or at least putting it into passenger mode.  Only the gem cannot detect what the body actually is that is near it.  When are you going to use this?
Well, it is one of the spells required to achieve Lichdom...but outside of that?  I suppose if you were really sneaky you could sneak into the dragon's lair while it was out looking for cattle, cast Magic Jar on one of the gems in the horde and then wait for the dragon to come home and try to possess it.  I don't know what you'd do then.  I guess commit dragon suicide, go back into the gem and then go back into your own body.  Possibly.

Since the ghost does not have a gem or anything it's just an attempt at possession, but the DM is supposed to use the magic jar spell rules to "simplify" things.

Not the point.  So I was wondering if this ghost with lantern thing was common and I did some Google searching and did not find much.  The odd story here or there, but no, ghosts running around in graveyards carrying helpful lights not high in the search results.

So I ran over to AD&D 2e to see if the ghost there kept its lantern.  Instead I got this:

No lantern.
Not particularly scary either.  Then I remembered my New Dungeon board game from back in the day and with the help of BGG I found this:

Aha!  Lantern!  And possibly tits.  It might be the light, but I think that sheet ghost has both booty and boobies.  It seems a bit feminine.

But then we have Classic Dungeon released only three years after New Dungeon in 1992 (because TSR knew how to milk a cash cow before WOTC ever did).  Kind of creepy, that one.  It's doing the whole, "I've come for YOUooooooooooooooooo!" pointing thing and it is vaporous with a skully face and I think it's wearing a Celtic cross.

Reminds me a bit of my favorite Gatlinburg brochure.

So here's what I think happens.  You die, and you become a ghost, and there is this Ghost Relations Bureau and you have to get a Ghost Job.  They probably look you over and if you died in some gruesome way connected with say, a bridge or a tree or something, they just send you back there to scare people.  Then after a certain number of years, if you work hard and age enough people, then you get to move up to some other position.  Maybe a house haunting or something.  Now, if you die and you don't look gruesome or impressive, like say you had a heart attack while playing WoW or something, your lame ass has to wear the sheet.  And carry the lantern.  It's like they really want you to have a chance at this whole ghost thing, so they give you a ghost uniform, which is a sheet, as we established years ago HERE, and then you get the lantern and off you go; a haunting, so to speak.  Then, if you manage to survive, as ironically as that sounds, enough adventurers and what have you, you get to qualify for a better job.  But you never forget the lantern.  Oh no.  You tell stories to the younger ghosts about the "good old days" when all a ghost needed was a sheet and a lantern, none of this hi-tech CGI nonsense you have now days, no siree, just a sheet and a lantern, that's how we did it in the old days.  You showed up, waved the lantern, aged a few adventurers, maybe possessed the Fighter and chopped up the Cleric.  Back when haunting was real haunting and a ghost was a real ghost and your hits aged 'em and they could only attack you in the ethereal state, even if they had magic.  None of this namby pamby shit you kids have now.
Nope, you never forget the lantern, kids.

Post Halloween Party Post

So we went to a party in Virginia Beach which was just like any other drunken Saturday night with these attendees, except people had costumes.
Kitty was an undead person...

I was celebrating Dia de los Muertos...

Close up of Kitty's eye makeup.

Note the spooky veining.

Random party shots.

At some point I thought I'd do my "Hamlet"...might have been the vodka's idea.

Let it never be said that Catholics don't know how to funk it up for Halloween.

Besties featuring Space Kitty and, well, Cindy

The obligatory PHOTOBOMB!

Assembled psychos...I don't remember who came as a dog...