Saturday, August 31, 2013

Latest Howl-O-Scream 2013 news

Greetings Fright Fans,

The latest information on Howl-O-Scream at Williamsburg says that there will be NEW themed "Terrortories" (copyright, all rights reserved, trade mark, Busch Gardens, yada yada yada) with England becoming "Ripper Row" and Germany "Vampire Point" which is not new because the bloody stupid vampires have been in Germany for at least the last 2 years, and Italy will have "Ports of Skull" which is not easy to say.
Here's the link.
Speaks for itself, does it not?

And here's the publicity photo.

Now I love pirates and I love skeletons and I love skeleton pirates...why don't I love this idea?
They've done skeletons throughout France for years now.  Maybe I am tired of pirate saturation.  It gets to a point where the quality suffers.  I am afraid, sight unseen, that this will be the case.  I suppose the only way to find out will be to go.

Oh and apparently Paris is burning because France is now Demon Street.

There will also be a new Halloween pirate booty shop and a pirate themed haunted house.

Saturday, August 24, 2013

Tales of Adventure: Darth Brandon Scourge of Human Resources!

Our Adventure begins at Doom Hollow Gorge, a lovely mountain region known for its picturesque valleys and breathtaking views.


Friday, August 23, 2013

Memoirs of an Angry Wizard

There is a nasty rumor going round about wizards and succubi.  Allow me to set the record straight: it is mostly true.  The succubus, plural succubi, is a female demon of great and surpassing naughtiness.  The males of their type, being type 69, are called incubi.  Wizards are rumored to consort with spirits and demons for diverse purposes and succubi for other diverse purposes.

Understand that all demons are spirits and manifest on this plane in material forms of expectation.  All demons are unconscious mind-readers.  That is to say that they do not know they are mind-readers.  When they manifest their unconscious minds make a connection to the unconscious mind of the summoner and the form they assume is shaped by the unconscious expectation of the summoner himself.  In times long past early demonologists wrote down their rituals and described the results of their efforts, sometimes with sketches.  As a result there is a general idea already in the summoner's mind of the demon's form.  For this reason demons generally appear in the same forms once identified.

Succubi, on the other hand, have a more complicated form of mind reading.  Succubi appear as the summoner DESIRES they appear.  So exact is this ability that the succubus appears as the summoner TRULY desires.  Thus a wizard well into a ritual, dealing with a raging erection, might be quite surprised by what arrives.
Naughty.  Hell tart.

One wizard of my acquaintance found his summoned demon to be an incubus.  Of those that know him none were surprised save himself.

The moral of this story, if indeed there is one, is DO NOT summon a succubus into a location where observation might cause you embarrassment and social awkwardness.

On a related note, I should tell you that summoning a demon is like inviting a guest to your house.  Once they've been there they always know where you live and might drop by unannounced.  In the case of succubi this can be most annoying.  One minute you are snoozing away having a lovely dream about fishing and the next some naked temptress is shaking her moneymaker in your face and making double entendre about your "pole" and "worms".

You have been warned.

Wednesday, August 21, 2013

It's Official

With a little over two months until the grand holiday my switch has OFFICIALLY been flipped to the "ON" position.
I tried to hold out to at least see August end.
Damn you, Face Off and your Future Frankenstein episode.

So let's get a few things straight right damn now, my friends.

1) I do not have ADHD.  I have OCD but I flip through my OCD topics at a rapid pace so it just looks like ADHD.

2) I am officially PRO-MONSTER.  That's right.  The Celtic Pumpkin and its sole proprietor Punkinstein are officially PRO-MONSTER.  I watch horror movies to root for the monster.  

3) Except for vampires, which I despise.  In those cases I am rooting for the vampire hunters.

4) I endorse Vincent Price as the Patron Saint of Halloween.  I had already determined that Saint Vincent was the patron saint of Self-Referential Humor so just add this to his portfolio.

5) I named Peter Cushing the Patron Saint of Vampire Killing years ago.  That has not changed.  He kept Darth Vader on a leash.  He blew up Alderran.  He kicked Dracula's ass many times.  He once used a windmill as a cross.  What more do you need?

6) Except around Christmas I am pretty much always in monster mode.

7) I consider Sci-Fi the separated conjoined twin of Horror as a genre.  You see where Horror is all about anxiety and fear, Sci-Fi is about hope for the future and anxiety and fear of the future in equal measures.  Sort of a twisted yin-yang thing.

8) Plan 9 from Outer Space is a good movie.

9) I am obsessed with pumpkins.

10) Sam from Trick 'r Treat is a personal hero of mine.  I love that little guy.

All of these things are likely to be seen at any given time on the Celtic Pumpkin in what seems to be a mad ADHD spiral, but is in fact just part of the whole CP grand design.

So while I might not stick strictly to a Halloween theme in every single post from now into November, know that I am always thinking about it.  Pumpkins and all.
I sort of want to be more scholarly about Halloween this year but I know me and the temptation to humor is just too strong.  

So stay turned for all the pumpkin lighting, costume critiquing, horror movie reviewing fun, my brethren and sistren.

And let's get those pumpkins lit.

Monday, August 19, 2013

Cruisin' In the Truck Circa 1995

Way back in the 20th century before everyone had an iPod and half of us didn't have a CD player in our ride there was a certain theme to the cab of a Southern Boy's pick up truck.  I remember it well despite the haze of years and my forced incarceration in Maine.
Way back then every Southern boy with a truck had a set of cruisin' tapes or CDs depending on his wealth level that were standard, by which I mean, redneck standard for the truck.
Here then is the redneck Southern boy truck cruisin' collection:
1. Garth Brooks-At least No Fences but could include his original self-titled release.  "Friends In Low Places" you see, was a standard.
2. Hank Williams Jr. Greatest Hits
3. AC/DC- Back In Black, I shit you not, rednecks love that album.
4. Randy Travis Greatest Hits Vol 2.  I don't know why Vol 2 and not Vol 1.  It's just one of those things.
5. Beastie Boys- License To Ill, it was by no means a new album by this time but it was apparently a law in Alabama that you had to have it.
6. A boy band.  This one varied as boy bands came and went like a fart in a windstorm but every good Southern redneck boy had a boy band tape on hand.  See Southern boys are cunning.  They hunt, they fish, they make Yankees think they are stupid to get out of having to do any actual work.  This hunter's training and animal cunning is why a boy band album was in the truck.  The point of cruisin' was exactly like huntin'...they were chasing tail.  The boy band album was bait for the ladies.  Pretty slick.

Ah memories...
Okay, I didn't own a truck, but my buddy did...

Sunday, August 4, 2013

Who is the MOST METAL?

When gaming you have your choice of classes and they all have something of value to add to a game or party, but you must make a choice and you need some criteria by which to judge.  So you must ask yourself: WHICH CLASS IS THE MOST METAL OF ALL?
The Barbarian:

The popular first guess would be the raging shirtless warrior.  After all the Barbarian naturally looks like he belongs on the cover of a Manowar or Danzig album.  Bulging muscles, tiny furry panties and huge weapons do not metal make, I am afraid.  Homoeroticism, yes; metal, no.
Barbarians are dubstep all the way.
This was the least, umm, you know, cover I could find.

The Fighter:

Covered in a skin of steel and wielding swords and the like, it seems that the fighter would be a very METAL class, literally.  But again this would be incorrect.  Fighters are pretty badass but they are not metal. This might surprise anyone who saw the original Dio video for Holy Diver.  Fighters are classic rock.
The Paladin:
Okay, Paladins are pretty METAL actually.
Like the Fighter the Paladin is expected to wear a skin of steel and wield a badass blade, and this he does, but he too is not the most METAL of classes.  Paladins are classical music all the way.
The Rogue:

Rogues fancy themselves quite METAL what with the backstabbing, being shiftless and lazy and generally ruining your party balance, but despite wearing leather armor they are not METAL, I'm afraid.  Rogues are gangsta rap.
The Cleric:

I bet you think I am going to say that Clerics are gospel.  Well you are wrong.  They do wear the heavy armor and carry maces, which is pretty badass, but they are not the most METAL of all classes.  Clerics are alternative.
The Bard:

Now the Bard has potential, does he not?  He plays an instrument and wears metal armor.  He carries a sword and inspires with battle songs, and yet the Bard is just not METAL.  Bards are Ren Rock.  Trust me on this.
The Druid:

Druids are folk music and that is all I will say about them.
No, none of those.
Holy Shit...that's a big lizard.
Yes, the Wizard.

Wizards do the things that make a great METAL album cover, such as summon demons and make them the wizard's bitch, ride dragons, set things on fire with the power of their awesome-i-tude, and do all this in ROBES!  Wizards wear beards, which I think you all know is a very METAL thing to do.  Bards wear soul patches, which is fine if you are going to a Blues Traveler concert.  Wizards wear pentagram jewelry and rings that are a bit dangerous.  Wizards fight Balrogs...and win.  Throughout the history of METAL there have been songs about warriors, sure, again I reference Manowar, but there have been far more about wizards, magic, necromancers and shit.  The mighty Black Sabbath themselves recorded, on their first album Black Sabbath (cut 2 on the North American release) their classic "The Wizard".  Yes, my friends, the winner of most METAL class of all time is THE WIZARD, truly the rainbow in the dark of gaming!
Rock the Hell On, Wizard!

Friday, August 2, 2013

You like airship pirates because you are afraid of water

You big girl's blouse.

I've played many games, MMOs included, and I have noticed a serious case of aquaphobia going on.  This often culminates in an attempt to cash in on pirates, which while not as popular as they were some 5 years ago thanks to zombies are still marketable, but water is not included.  Unlike Sea Monkeys, those lovable instant life pets that graced every comic book ad page from 1960 to 1989, pirates apparently do not need water to flourish.  I accept that piracy can occur outside of a purely aquatic environment, such as in media piracy, but this unholy compromise of airship pirates is really just insulting to the sea dog in us all.

I have worked out two reasons why I think this might be the case:

1) Hard to program.  Once you put water into the equation you have to worry about items or potions for breathing underwater and the deleterious effects water has on paper, spell books, ferrous metals, and the human body.  You have to account for the pressure differential between air and water and how this affects combat and movement.  You have to consider the nature of aquatic life and how it is not just like living in air or on dry land.  Then you have to find a way to put a dungeon in it.  All of this requires a completely different point of view for developer and player.  The players, mostly terrestrial in nature, are ill-equipped for extended aquatic adventuring.  I get that.

2) People are afraid of water.  This seems counter-intuitive given how much time we spend at the beach, in swimming pools, and bathing.  Yet some of our most nightmarish fears are born from dark water.  Things all tentacles and teeth, alien to our air breathing mode of thinking, live in the water.
Sharks.  Big fucking sharks.  They live exclusively in water.
As obligate air breathers water presents a problem that air does not.  With air pirates we have the constant problem of staying up in the air, but at least we are breathing and not worrying about our full plate armor all the while.  With regular pirates riding on top of the waves we have that persistent threat of sinking into the nightmarish belly of mother ocean where the big teeth things live and our full plate armor becomes a complete liability.
Storm Shark is the coolest spell ever devised in the history of ever.

Consider this: nobody ever suggests that pteranodons are still flying about in the highest clouds of the sky and even if they were, who cares?  Not a threat.
But there is always somebody afraid that a kronosaur is still out there somewhere in the vast oceans and it is just waiting for you to be drunk and fishing to come up and eat your ass.
Ah, Shit, Ahhhh, Holy Shit...this shit never happens in the clouds, man.

We are terrified of this stuff.
Yeah, this guy is just the biggest pussy ever in the whole world.  Smell that?   That's sarcasm.
Also we think it is boring.  In every cool movie about treasure hunting or spies if there is a scuba diving scene there is going to be a shark fight.  Fulci had one in a zombie movie.  Despite the verifiable statistics, that most of the time you do not have to fight a shark when you go in the water, the ocean is so boring to everyone who is not Jacques Cousteau that we have to put a shark fight into it to keep the audience sitting in their seats.  Because we think it is boring we mock Aquaman and play airship pirates to allow us to have the pirate trope and avoid the ocean.  Then we take our week's vacation to go to the beach and sit beside it and eat grilled land animal flesh.
Yeah, see now you want Aquaman but he's not listening.
So that's my theory, anyway.

Thursday, August 1, 2013

Even More Tales of Adventure!

Bah dah da da duh da
They're wizards just getting along
Fighting, laughing and singing a song
Bah dah da da duh da
Oh what can you do when those pesky adventurers come for you
You call the Wizards
Bah-dah dah
That's what you do
(Trumpet Solo)
He's the leader guy

"Drop your cocks and grab your wands, boys!"

So fab you could die

"I 'ave zee perfect chapeau for zis meeshon!"

Just a gripe and a smile

"Oh, my back!"

And don't forget DINGLE

"Dingle ate spell book.  Now Dingle smartest of all."
Oh they're wiiiizarrdss
And Morcar's the boss
But they're wiiiizaarrdds
They don't give a toss
You're gonna lose your shit for those wiiizzzarrrdss
Those wiiizaarrrdss....they're hells of guuuuuuuyyyyyyyssss.
Yeah, Wiiizarrrdss.