Sunday, August 4, 2013

Who is the MOST METAL?

When gaming you have your choice of classes and they all have something of value to add to a game or party, but you must make a choice and you need some criteria by which to judge.  So you must ask yourself: WHICH CLASS IS THE MOST METAL OF ALL?
The Barbarian:

The popular first guess would be the raging shirtless warrior.  After all the Barbarian naturally looks like he belongs on the cover of a Manowar or Danzig album.  Bulging muscles, tiny furry panties and huge weapons do not metal make, I am afraid.  Homoeroticism, yes; metal, no.
Barbarians are dubstep all the way.
This was the least, umm, you know, cover I could find.

The Fighter:

Covered in a skin of steel and wielding swords and the like, it seems that the fighter would be a very METAL class, literally.  But again this would be incorrect.  Fighters are pretty badass but they are not metal. This might surprise anyone who saw the original Dio video for Holy Diver.  Fighters are classic rock.
The Paladin:
Okay, Paladins are pretty METAL actually.
Like the Fighter the Paladin is expected to wear a skin of steel and wield a badass blade, and this he does, but he too is not the most METAL of classes.  Paladins are classical music all the way.
The Rogue:

Rogues fancy themselves quite METAL what with the backstabbing, being shiftless and lazy and generally ruining your party balance, but despite wearing leather armor they are not METAL, I'm afraid.  Rogues are gangsta rap.
The Cleric:

I bet you think I am going to say that Clerics are gospel.  Well you are wrong.  They do wear the heavy armor and carry maces, which is pretty badass, but they are not the most METAL of all classes.  Clerics are alternative.
The Bard:

Now the Bard has potential, does he not?  He plays an instrument and wears metal armor.  He carries a sword and inspires with battle songs, and yet the Bard is just not METAL.  Bards are Ren Rock.  Trust me on this.
The Druid:

Druids are folk music and that is all I will say about them.
No, none of those.
Holy Shit...that's a big lizard.
Yes, the Wizard.

Wizards do the things that make a great METAL album cover, such as summon demons and make them the wizard's bitch, ride dragons, set things on fire with the power of their awesome-i-tude, and do all this in ROBES!  Wizards wear beards, which I think you all know is a very METAL thing to do.  Bards wear soul patches, which is fine if you are going to a Blues Traveler concert.  Wizards wear pentagram jewelry and rings that are a bit dangerous.  Wizards fight Balrogs...and win.  Throughout the history of METAL there have been songs about warriors, sure, again I reference Manowar, but there have been far more about wizards, magic, necromancers and shit.  The mighty Black Sabbath themselves recorded, on their first album Black Sabbath (cut 2 on the North American release) their classic "The Wizard".  Yes, my friends, the winner of most METAL class of all time is THE WIZARD, truly the rainbow in the dark of gaming!
Rock the Hell On, Wizard!

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