Tuesday, August 5, 2014

Crossbones: It's not like I actually TOLD you so

I mentioned that the Pirate Renaissance was drawing to a close, but then I sounded hopeful for NBC's Crossbones, so you would be well within your rights to tell me that I didn't say specifically that Crossbones was not going to do well.  So I won't say, "Told you".  If we consider that great post linked above, however, well...I told you so.
According to my online sources Crossbones started strong with the target 18-49 demographic (how the hell is that a single demographic) with over 5 million viewers of its opening episode but dropped to less than 3 million shortly thereafter.  Oh shit.  Only 3 million people to see the commercials?  If Lifetime or FX used that metric they'd never have a damn show on the air.
Now who to blame for this?
Well I start by blaming NBC.  Friday night at 10 PM for a demographic that is traditionally out at that time, you know, 18 to 49 year olds.  Having dinner, going to sporting events and such.  Then we have to consider that it ran during the Summer.  It's still light out until after 8 PM during this time.  People are doing things.  That's why they have DVR.  They also preempted the July 4th episode.  You know, because people are out doing things.
When you put a show in that time slot you are basically cancelling it at launch.
So, yes, I blame the network.
The show was actually quite good.  I admit if it were on HBO, Showtime or STARZ it probably would have done better, but even then I have said before that the Pirate Renaissance is basically over.  It's back to the geeks and hardcore fans now.  Away you day sailors.  It ended on an appropriately dramatic note and I thought the story was well told.  Maybe it is better to have one good season instead of hitting that horrible third season nightmare slump.
And now a short emotional outburst:

Fuck you, you lackwitted bastards at NBC and the bloody demographic at which you pander you whores shilling product for a brainless consumer base.  You soulless, dickless turds who would not know quality if it came up and waved its naughty bits in your collective faces.  And a double fuck you to the jaded television viewing audience that can't appreciate story or character development, you who cannot handle even 3 minutes of exposition unless some naked hookers are fisting one another in the background for your sordid amusement.  Go back to watching your witch porn on WGN that has done more to harm the reputation of actual Wiccans and the victims of Salem than 300 years of inaccurate history ever could.  And finally fuck you to Johnny Depp for making pirates marketable and then ruining them all in one fell swishing Nancy Boy swoop.

Outburst ends.

So farewell and following seas to Crossbones and the Pirate Renaissance.  We'll see you again in an another 20 years when the cycle comes back around.


  1. Not surprised Crossbones got cancelled but I definitely agree with your opinion of NBC, ha! When I first started following the news about Crossbones, Ian McShane was supposed to be Blackbeard. Once I heard Malkovich was replacing him I had misgivings. I like Malkovich but as Blackbeard? Couldn't see it.

    Also, gotta say Black Sails is the better pirate show. It was a little slow at first but by the first season's end my husband and I were pretty keen!

    1. I too had my Malkomisgivings and I still would not have picked him but he did a decent job of it. Richard Coyle was great in the show. I have seen no news of a Black Sails second season and I have looked.