Wednesday, October 25, 2017

Special Feature: The ISBA Files Pt. 3

We are continuing our dangerous and fascinating expose of the secret ISBA ghost identification guide.  Friends, be warned, the ISBA jealously guards its secrets.  Simply having knowledge of these definitions, much less possession of the manual, may get you targeted by this cult!

Naughty Nancy the Libidinous Lethal Librarian of Littleton-A unique haunt found only in Littleton, Idaho, Nancy is believed to be the spirit of a woman who was spurned by her fiancé and took her own life.  Or she might be the spirit of a black widow bride who married 14 husbands, enticing them with her plunging necklines and diaphanous gowns, only to murder them on the wedding night.  Or she was a raging nymphomaniac in life and stayed tied to the mortal plane to keep up her activities which seemingly she cannot do in death.  Or she was a librarian.  That was a black widow.  Or a nympho.  Or was spurned by her fiancé, or a trucker.  Or a group of truckers.  Maybe it was bikers.  Or werewolves.  Or werewolf bikers...on wheels.  Records are scant on this one.  Regardless Nancy is considered dangerous to ISBA members and associates of all sexual identities and orientations.  Semper Circumspectus; Semper Vigilanti.


Spooky Bob-Spooky Bob is either a unique entity that is not anchored to a particular location and therefore can be found across the continental United States, or is a class of apparitions that all look alike and share the same behaviors.  Spooky Bob is generally considered non-violent but mischievous.  That Spooky Bob has a face like a Jack O’ Lantern has not gone unnoticed since it was first commented upon by ISBA field investigator Frank Farkle.  While none of the ISBA field agents have ever managed to confirm a Spooky Bob sighting, the copious amounts of reports of the spirit’s existence all across the US, provided mainly via correspondence to the ISBA from non-members, argues that it cannot simply be a myth.  The reports say that when Spooky Bob manifests, he generally says “Boo” in a loud voice, then steals some small object.  A rash of lost items have been linked to the appearance of this spirit.

Bound Spectator-A variant specter, the Bound Spectator is typically found wrapped in chains, ropes, or shackles.  Frank Farkle, ISBA field investigator, first encountered this type and it is his description that provided the basis for the ISBA files, as no other investigator or associate has yet to see one.  This type of ghost is bound to a specific location, typically old opera houses, theatres, drive-ins, or arenas.  Occasionally one can be found at residential locations, whereupon research may reveal that it was the former location of such a public arena (or perhaps they are simply the spirits of disembodied voyeurs).  Per ISBA field investigator Farkle, they are easily entertained by simple magic tricks such as palming coins, card tricks, and, "that douchebag Criss Angel shit".  

Tye-Dyed Stoner-First identified by ISBA field investigator Marty LeBoeuf, and later identified by ISBA field investigator Frank Farkle as the ghost most likely to make him, "shoot myself solely to go into the afterlife and kick its dirty hippie ass", the Tye-Dyed Stoner is offensive to the living only in terms of its lingering scent of patchouli and organic fertilizer, and its sanctimonious utterances about peace, love, brotherhood, and communal living over free market capitalism.  A rare example of a spirit that is hyper-benign (it won't even psychically lift a finger to defend itself) and obnoxiously helpful, the TDS will linger among investigators offering "advice" and spouting platitudes.  Farkle claims the TDS is proof of spiritual flatulent residue that carries over into the afterlife, stating, "Don't look at me, I don't eat f*#%ing wheat grass and lentils".  LeBoeuf has declared his intention to study the spirit, suspecting that prolonged contact with the ectoplasmic residue produces a euphoric state followed by a craving for food of high caloric, but low nutritional value.
Flatulent Moaner-First identified by ISBA field investigator Frank Farkle while on assignment with ISBA scribe Jonas Spaltezahn and ISBA field investigator Abigail Spinner.  During a blackout EVP session a distinct sound like a "rumble followed by an air horn" was heard followed by a smell described by Spinner as, "what you'd expect from a diet consisting solely of microwave burritos and bad coffee purchased from a gas station".  Due to the overwhelming odor the investigators were forced to flee to the lighted antechamber whereupon Farkle told a tale of an apparition without discernible features that spoke to him telepathically.  Sadly Frank was not able to provide photographic evidence of the event as he'd put his camera down to interact with the spirit when it had requested he pull its finger.


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