Saturday, October 29, 2011
I have had enough of the crazy zombie bastards
Are zombies the new vampires?
Is so, then f%*# 'em. With a chainsaw. Up a tree. Backwards.
I used to like zombie movies, zombie comics, and zombie games quite a bit. Zombies were the ultimate monster to me because you could destroy them with absolutely NO remorse. At all. Hell, it might even be better because they are so disgusting.
Now with your free-willed, intelligent monsters you always run the risk of them talking you to death. Vampires always want to justify their existence and shite.
Sod 'em all. I got a stake that needs justifying, mate.
But zombies were different. They hobbled around and moaned a bit and you could enjoy shooting them and chopping them up and just, you know, destroying them with absolute moral conviction in the rightness of your cause. All was right with the world.
But then the bastards became POPULAR. I mean, prom queen popular. Suddenly everybody with a half-assed zombie book is getting a publishing deal and just as suddenly everybody is a bloody zombie expert.
Oh, my weapon of choice? I'd use a basket hilt backsword, it has wonderful chopping action and protects your hand.
Oh that's just foolish, you'd need a smoother blade to prevent it getting stuck in bone.
Zombies are now getting the "vampire treatment" which means that "scholars" are trying to make them some ancient concept. So when you watch the zombie documentaries you see the ancient monsters that the "scholars" were calling vampires five years ago, but now they are proto-zombies. Well, they are not. A draugr is a draugr. Like how a camel is not a ship, no matter how many metaphors you apply to it.
What I really hate. I mean HATE with the very marrow that runs through my non-zombie bones and produces the non-zombie blood cells that power my non-zombie body is this whole zombie virus fad. Are we that scientifically inept? Are we that unwilling to admit our desire for a magical world that we would talk about zombies as a virus? The whole bit with the eating people and the viruses and the shambling and all...it is so done.
Now Return of the Living Dead...fast moving, indestructible zombies fighting punks. What a film. A perfect film for the 80s. Even better is that the only way to become a living dead is to be exposed to the 245 Trioxin. None of this, "Oh, I've been bitten don't let me become one...of...those..........THINGS!". Slap her. Yes, I know she's a he, but slap it anyway. Histrionic loony.
See, I've watched Night of the Living Dead about 16.4 million times and nothing, and I mean, NOTHING in the movie says or even suggests that a zombie bite creates another zombie. All the recently deceased, UNBURIED (very important point that) dead came back to life. That little girl in the basement was going to come back because all the dead were coming back, the bite was just part of the wounds that killed her. Johnny came back to attack at the end and his death was due to head trauma. HEAD TRAUMA.
So it was really Dawn of the Dead and other films that started this mess.
But now everyone thinks they know everything about zombies, and that's bollocks. Go watch Return of the Living Dead and tell me again how much you know about zombies.
Here is a picture of a skeletal undead pirate because that is not a zombie but that is BADASS personified.
Keep your pumpkins lit.