Sunday, October 21, 2012

Pirate Costumes-2 Bells

Batten down the hatches, things are getting rough out there.
Oh do me a least try.
Egad!  It's the Pirates of Not Too Much Effort!  Each of the gentlemen above is in a costume that just doesn't cut the mustard with me, I'm afraid.  Take a look at A.  I sincerely hope that is a wig.  Even if it is, the whole thing is just bad.  The hat is too small for one thing, the mustache and goatee and shirt...hell the whole giving off a musketeer vibe.  You could use that costume if you were going as Ritchie Blackmore, if were thus inclined.  Now with B we see the decent start of a Dread Pirate Roberts costume (again with the Princess Bride references?), but it looks as though the guy either lost interest halfway through or couldn't find a good mask.  Need I mention the boot toppers?  I do like the two guns vice a sword thing because it is a different way to do the pirate trip, but the whole thing fails to say "pirate".  Out of respect for some friends of mine I won't tell what it does say.
C is bad and were it not for the conspicuous skull and crossbones motif on the scarves you wouldn't even know it was supposed to be a pirate costume.  It is more of a 80s hair band look.  I think this guy was actually going for a hair band costume, maybe Trixter or Warrant, and then he took a tube steak to the eye and had to wear a patch, at which point someone said he looked like a pirate and the costume was born.  I do like the stripey pants, but the boot toppers are shite.  So let's skip on to D.  Ah, the "classic" pirate look of striped shirt and faux wearing in giant triangular cuts for the pant legs and shirttails.  Oh, Poseidon, lord of the deep, drown this wanker.  This costume in a combination of several classic kiddie pirate costume bits all thrown together in the wrong way.  The boot toppers, which do not meet the trousers really sell this picture, don't they?  I don't know what is better the big skull and crossbones belt or the headband.  Daniel-san, I teach pirate, you learn pirate.
Because I said it couldn't get worse...
Ye gods!  That other batch may have shown no effort, but this lot has...and in so doing has managed to somehow be worse.  Nay, they are the WORST I COULD FIND.  I realize that seems like hyperbole, but trust me, these are the worst that I could find given the amount of effort I was willing to put forth.  Things like this sap the will, you know.
From the left: Wow.  The whole thing seems to be made from pantyhose.  We've seen the faux tattered pants before and even shirts, but now witness TATTERED EVERYTHING.  Perfectly tattered.  Somebody went buck wild with the pinking sheers I can tell you.  It's horrible.  Just horrible.  But hey, no boot toppers.
Cruising along toward the starboard, amidships if you will, we have...what is that?  It's shiny, it's silly, it's...I don't know what.  As though the diaper on the head and giant eye-patch were not bad enough (and they are) what really sells it for me would be the two toy cutlasses.  Oh yeah, very intimidating to be sure.
Finally we have Captain Soap Opera.  He really does look like the sort of pirate you see in soap opera flashbacks and dream sequences.  Yes, I have found a pirate costume so crap it couldn't even be on the cover of a cheap romance paperback.  It looks like felt and tatters and the best bit is, if you look beneath the boot toppers...yes...Cowboy Boots!  Yee Haarrgggh.

You might be thinking that you could do better.  I assure you that you could.  Of course if you've a mind to make a costume and be either a classic Halloween pirate or a historically accurate pirate you will need accessories.  Maybe you have some of the gear already (from those Ren Faires you go to) and you just need a few things to "complete the look".  Fear not, for in our next installment we will discuss accessories.  Frankly this is a necessity since none of the costumes I've shown you thus far come with all the little fiddly bits that really make it work, such as it is.  Purchase any one of the costumes I've shown you and you will find yourself missing at least a third of the "good stuff".  You'll have shirts, vests, coats, pants but no earrings, beards, hats, swords or guns.
Be brave and sail on with me, won't you?

Where's my pumpkin?

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